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Tuesday, June 6, 2023

Trump Demands Comey Release Picture Book Edition Of New Tell-All “A Higher Loyalty”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump lashed out on Twitter at former FBI Director James Comey on Twitter this morning. In a pair of vicious tweets, Comey is painted as a “proven LEAKER & LIAR” by Trump. The president goes on to call Comey, whom he fired last year, a “slime ball” and that it was his “great honor to fire James Comey.”

It’s presumed by most people on the Hill that the impetus for Trump’s tirade and tantrum is a new book written by Comey called, “A Higher Loyalty.” The book has been widely anticipated since it was announced he had struck a deal for it in the wake of his sacking. Trump is likely also livid about the interview Comey did with ABC’s George Stephanopoulos that will air this weekend. Reportedly, Comey sat down for five hours with Stephanopoulos. and in one clip that has been teased, Comey indicates he’s not completely sure that the infamous “pee pee tape” from the Christopher Steele dossier doesn’t exist, given Trump’s near obsession with disproving its existence.

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The president wasn’t through assailing Comey with his tweets this morning, however. In the Oval Office a couple of hours ago, Trump was speaking to various members of right-wing media outlets owned by Sinclair Broadcasting, and demanded that the former FBI chief publish a new version of his book. This time, though, Trump wants “bigly changes.”

“If that scum bucket Comey wants to write a book about me, the least he can do is make it a picture book so I can know what he’s saying about me,” Trump said. “What kind of jerk talks about someone behind their back?”

Passages in the book that have been given to the media by the publisher ahead of the book’s official release date indicate Comey believed Trump wasn’t of the usual moral or ethical makeup of many of the men who have held the office. In the book, Comey explains that Trump asked him to investigate the infamous allegation that a tape exists of then citizen Trump engaging in a “golden showers” activity with Russian prostitutes. Comey says he wondered what kind of marriage Trump had if he was so worried that Melania, his third wife, would think the allegations were true, or that Trump’s denials were not.

“This president is unethical, and untethered to the truth and institutional values,” Comey writes in his book, according to The Guardian. “His leadership is transactional, ego driven, and about personal loyalty.” (source)

“Sarah! Goddamnit, Sarah! Get in here,” Trump bellowed in the Oval Office.

Moments later Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, coffee cake crumbs flying her fingers and lips, appeared in the Oval. Trump shouted at her to bring him his “big boy notepad” on which he drafts every executive order he has signed. In just moments, with nacho cheese dripping from her fingers, Sarah Huckabee Sanders brought in a legal notepad and set it down with a big orange crayon on the Resolute Desk.

Speaking as he wrote, Trump drafted an executive order on the spot.

“Dear James Slime Ball Fuck-Face Comey, make your book a picture book, you cuck,” Trump said, “by order of King Emperor God Orange Daddy Trump, Amen.”

With a flourish, Trump scribbled his signature on the order and handed it to Sanders, who told him she would file it right away. Moments later, the press secretary was seen throwing a piece of legal pad paper into the recycling bin.

Mr. Comey was not reached for comment.

James‘ satire is found on:
Alternative Facts
Alternative Science,
The Political Garbage Chute
The Pastiche Post

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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