WASHINGTON, D.C. — It’s no big secret on the Hill that the president enjoys his now daily coronavirus task force press briefings. Recently removed Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham spent months in that role after Sarah Huckabee Sanders left the post to stare into the sunset from the top of her favorite belfry, and she never held a single press briefing. However, with President Trump’s klanpaign rallies on indefinite hold during the outbreak, sources say he’s chosen to use the daily task force briefings as a substitute for those rallies, and has occasionally let doctors with knowledge of pandemics speak during them as well.
Today, during his task force briefing, the president warned Americans that they need to be “bigly and yugely and strongly ready” to go back to work when he says they need to. Otherwise, Trump foretold, there could be “horrible, really, really, really bad stuff” that happens. One specific concern President Trump has is whether a prolonged coronavirus shutdown will cause a national shortage of burrito coverings.
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“Look, I’m not saying there’s a hard and firm date we need to be back up and running by,” Trump explained during the briefing, “but that doesn’t mean we can stay on lockdown forever. I was just told by our National Burrito Adviser that if we stay closed for too long, we could see something really, really, really bad with our burrito covering stockpile.”
Created with one of his first executive orders, Trump authorized the building of the national burrito covering stockpile back in 2017. Constructed to what the president called the same “bigly high standards” that his hotels and golf courses are built, the warehouse was designed to store tortillas, guacamole, sour cream, cheese, and salsa fresca, all of which are essential coverings for the nation’s burritos. The longer large portions of the economy stay closed down, Trump says, the harder it will be to replenish the stockpiles after burrito coverings are either thrown out after expiring, or when they’re used for someone’s burrito.
“It’s bad enough that I had to fight so hard to convince Congress to let my commission that study on the effects of electrolytes on plants,” Trump warned, “but if we aren’t feeding our plants with sports drinks at the same time we have a loss of burrito coverings we can’t recover from, then I’m not sure that’s a country anyone really wants to live in anymore.”
Vice President Pence echoed Trump’s concerns about the burrito covering stockpile.
“As ever, I feel it’s my first duty to completely agree with the president. We will be in dire trouble if we do not take steps to increase our burrito covering stockpile, not allow it to dwindle,” Pence said. “Now, let’s all join hands in prayer for those who need it most in this time of crisis. Namely, President Trump. Amen.”
President Trump played down any risks Americans might be taking if they jump back into their daily economic routines before medical experts believe a true handle on the COVID-19 outbreak has been achieved. The president said “every patriotic citizen” believes that “their life is meaningless unless it’s sacrificed for corporate profit margins.” Trump stopped short of ordering Americans back to work, but said that he’s keeping a close eye on the burrito covering stockpile and will not hesitate to order workers back to work if he must.
“Protecting our country’s precious supply of the things we cover the inside of our burritos with is a president’s most important job,” Trump assured the public. “I will not let let down my guard. On my watch, we will not let our country’s supply of burrito coverings waste away! Even if it means our grandmothers and grandfathers must lay down and die, in sacrifice to not only my beautiful economy, but our beloved burrito coverings, then that’s what must happen, I’m afraid!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.