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Sunday, March 26, 2023

Coronavirus Quarantine Forces Trump to Officially Move Easter to June 5th

WASHINGTON, D.C — This weekend, President Donald J. Trump extended the federal stay-at-home guidelines for combating the pandemic spread of the novel coronavirus until April 30th. In doing so, Trump looked like he might be backtracking on his promise to “open the country back up” by Easter Sunday. However, pushing the request for Americans to stay at home as much as possible through April would mean largely skipping Easter festivities for most Americans, as Easter falls on April 12th this year.

Source say the president was keen to not even give an appearance that he had to cave or acquiesce and change the projected date for the economy to reopen in full.  Therefore, he decided late Saturday night to officially move Easter into the summer and will push to reopen the economy in full by that date. In an executive order, Trump pushed Easter Sunday to June 5th, 2020.

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“This order is bigly important. It’s yugely critical…to my political career,” Trump said as he dragged his diminutive hand, crayon in his fist, across the order. “Because I cannot in any way, shape, or form, look like I had no fucking clue what I was talking about. My ego demands I be right all the time, you see, and my ego is the most important thing this country needs to protect itself from the coronavirus, okay? Therefore, in order for me to be right about the country opening back up by Easter, all we have to do is move it to June. Bingo, bango, bongo, I’m right, and that’s all that matters.”

A defensive Trump later told reporters while he paced on the White House lawn that he didn’t think it was “that big a deal” to push Easter back.

“I promised we’d open this country back up by Easter. So just move Easter,” Trump shouted at reporters. “It’s not like it’s that big a deal. It’s not like it’s my birthday, and Jesus already has ONE birthday. He shouldn’t be so selfish.”

President Trump indicated that his administration has already been in contact with both Jesus Christ and the Easter Bunny to get their input on moving Easter.

“The Easter Bunny and Jesus both seemed really recepticalish about the idea,” Trump insisted. “They told me, and I swear to God this is completely and totally true, that they just want me to get what I want. They said that Easter wasn’t anywhere near as important as me getting my economy back. You’ll have to ask them why that is. But I have to say, I completely agree with them. No holiday is as important as my economy, because literally nothing is as important as me getting re-elected.”

Thus far, evangelical leaders in the conservative movement seem to be backing Trump’s effort to delay Easter by a few weeks. Rev. Bill Millen, a self-proclaimed “Televangelist for Trump,” told his televised flock this morning that Americans should be willing to move Easter to any date Trump wants it to be moved to, for a “couple of very simple reasons.”

“For starters, he’s not a Democrat. We all know if Democrats even mention our religion we are literally required by the Bible to call for their immediate removal from office,” Millen said. “But when a good, clean, white, ammo hoarding Christian American patriotic Republican President says it? Well, fam, you gotta snap to like he’s speaking for God himself, because he is. God only talks to Republicans. I know that. You know that. So if our Dear President wants to cancel Easter altogether, guess what? We won’t celebrate Zombie Jesus Day this year, and we’ll all get over it together.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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