60.6 F
Los Angeles
Monday, June 5, 2023

White Collar Criminal Wants Credit for Vaccine for Disease He Said Would Go Away In Weeks

In a statement on phony presidential letterhead, a white collar criminal demanded credit for the covid-19 vaccine.

What makes this demand so newsworthy is that the former reality-TV game show host in question wants Americans to credit him for the vaccine, despite the fact that he never really took the novel coronavirus seriously, even after he contracted it, had to be hospitalized, and was nearly put on a ventilator. By the end of his term, as it was becoming increasingly clear that his gassy sexual predator lawyer and the rat faced scarecrow Sidney Powell would not be able to steal the election for him, the tiny-handed daughter luster all but gave up on even caring about the country’s fight against covid.

MORE: Leaked Access Hollywood Tape Shows Pepé Le Pew Insisting Women Let Him Do Anything Because He’s a Star

“I hope everyone remembers when they’re getting the COVID-19 (often referred to as the China Virus) Vaccine, that if I wasn’t President, you wouldn’t be getting that beautiful ‘shot’ for 5 years, at best, and probably wouldn’t be getting it at all,” the white collar criminal’s statement reads.

On the Hill, the demand for credit was met with enthusiasm from former President Toadstool Dong’s supporters. Rep. Matt Gaetz (Q-FL) told reporters “every American should bow down and lick the man’s taint” like he does. Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-TX) called it a “sinful outrage that liberals are not worshiping the ground this man walks on,” and also reiterated that his wife Heidi “remains ugly as ever.”

Some, however, did not feel like the white collar criminal should get credit for the vaccine.

“I mean, if bleach and ended up being an effective cure, then maybe we could give him credit for that,” Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez told reporters, “but this guy asking for credit for the vaccine is like a drunk pilot asking for credit for this co-pilot landing the plane safely.”

MORE: Q-Believers Now Say Trump Will Become the 19th President on March 35th, 2235


Like what you read? Consider signing up for my free newsletter, becoming a paid Facebook subscriber.

If you want my satire completely ad-free, just sign up for my Patreon at any level.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
Latest news
Related news


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.



Popular categories