Trump Being Fitted for New Crown After Senate Votes Against Impeachment Witnesses

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A D.C. area Burger King has been put on “high alert” to expect a very special guest for either lunch or dinner in the coming days, depending on when, exactly the Senate votes to deny witnesses in the impeachment trial of President Donald John Trump. Reportedly, the fast food burger joint is where the president will be fitted for a new crown, having successfully convinced at least 51 senators that he should be crowned King of America, set in a place above the law, and allowed to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, by virtue of winning three million fewer votes than his opponent. It’s unclear at this time whether the American monarchy will stay in place should a Democrat win this year’s election, however it may be moot, as a king could potentially decide not to abide by the results of any election if it hurts his royal feelings enough.

For now, though, the task will be getting King Trump’s crown to fit just right. Burger King gives out paper crowns to children who visit their establishments, and a spokesperson for the restaurant chain confirmed that “man-children are more than welcome” to receive one of their crowns, should they so choose. Trump would be the first president to anoint himself with one of the chain’s paper crowns, however, Burger King confirmed.

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“As soon as 51 senators abrogate their oaths and duties to defend their own constitutionally mandated powers of checks and balances,” a spokesperson for Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Moscow) told reporters this morning, “we will head directly to the Burger King that’s about a mile away from the White House, and hold our nation’s first ever coronation ceremony. Afterward, the president will join us in and celebrate with Whoppers, fries, onion rings, chicken fries, and shakes. I’m sure other people will get to order food, too, but that’s up to his royal highness at that point.”

There will be some simple modifications done to the crown, in order to please His Majesty the King, however.

“We will be bringing a royal black sharpie so he can cross out the ‘Burger’ and write ‘Berder’ in its place,” White House senior propaganda and bullshit adviser Kellyanne Conway told reporters in front of the White House earlier today. “Anyone who is close to our dear president — excuse me, our dear king — knows that he likes to be on-brand at all times. Burger doesn’t fit his brand of barely-literate screeds and tirades. Berder most definitely does.”

Once the coronation ceremony is complete, the royal presidential delegation will return to the White House, where another group event is scheduled to take place.

“Congressional Republicans will line up for a chance to kiss the king’s ass,” Conway said.

A reporter asked if she meant to say “ring,” but Conway laughed so hard some of her makeup slid off, revealing a skeletal face not much different than what she looks like with her makeup intact.

“No, you dumb shit asshole fuckface reporter,” Conway chided, “I said exactly what I meant to say. Like always. I’m definitely not just winging it every day and hoping the gin and opiates I snort keep up drowning out my conscience. They’ll line up, and one by one they’ll kiss the president’s very toned, very firm buttocks. Should any of the Republican senators or congressman or women would like an even more intimate area to kiss, they’ll have that opportunity at the end of the night, provided the queen is done down there, of course, and Ivanka is known for being a lady who takes her times and does things the right way.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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