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Tuesday, February 7, 2023

Trump Says His DOJ Only Investigated Reporters Who Told the Truth About Him

FART-A-LAGO, FLORIDA — Former one term, twice forever impeached President Donald Trump told Sean Hannity on his radio program this morning that reports about his Department of Justice being highly politicized are “fake news” and he downplayed stories that indicate his administration targeted the press specifically. In recent days, news reports have surfaced that allege the Trump administration’s DOJ, under Jeff Sessions and Bill Barr, issued secret subpoenas for reporters and elected Democrats

Talking to Hannity today, however, Trump tried to extinguish any bad press he might receive over the story, perhaps trying to shore up his reputation ahead of another presidential popular vote loss in 2024.

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“Sean, this is as is the case with everything that even remotely looks bad, fake news,” Trump assured his friend Hannity. “Yes, I absolutely had the enemies of the people investigated. But first of off, that’s my right as the all-powerful president. But more importantly, we didn’t investigate every reporter, not all. Only the ones that told truth about me, or worse yet, reprinted or repeated my own words, verbatim. Talk about rude!”

Neither sessions nor Barr have publicly commented on the allegations of political investigations of Trump’s rivals. However, Trump’s former personal attorney and fart consultant Rudy Giuliani has taken to his defense during several appearances on OAN and Newsmax TV.

“The president has an obligation to defend many things. Our borders. Our sovereignty, and yes, his ego,” Giuliani proclaimed. “The Constitution is very clear, and if it isn’t, I feel it should be — and as a rich, old, white man I get to invent facts out of my feelings, remember — the most important thing in a presidential term is the president’s go. So he was perfectly within his executive powers to order investigations into people for using the truth so meanly, in ways that clearly hurt his outsized fee-fees.”

Former President Trump indicated that he has already begun to formulate some policy changes that, should he win in 2024, he would implement, in order to reduce the need to investigate journalists in the first place.

“What we’re gonna do is open up the First Amendment, and cancel the whole free press thing. It’s outdated, and frankly, very cucky,” Trump said. “So, Sean, what we’ll do instead is hand out pre-approved statements they’re allowed to make about me, my family, or most importantly, the size of my fortune or genitals. That way, as long as they stick the state-approved talking points, we won’t even have to steal their emails and read through them to see what they’re saying about me!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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