WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Electoral College meets today to officially declare former Vice President Joe Biden the winner of last month’s election, making it one more time that President Trump will lose. Thus far, Trump has not only lost the election itself, but also more than fifty court cases brought by his campaign or those representing his interests, alleging all manner of electoral fraud without any hard evidence to back their allegations. By the end of the day, Biden will have secured 306 votes in the Electoral College — interestingly, the same number Trump won four years ago and claimed was a “landslide” — and will be one step closer to taking office on January 20th, 2021.
However, President Trump has not finished with his maneuvering and strategizing, and he sent a very strongly worded demand letter, written on a McDonald’s napkin, ordering the Electoral College to take heretofore unprecedented action against Mr. Biden.
“The president took out his mightiest crayon from the box this morning, and dragged his impish, but powerful hand across a napkin, ordering the Electoral College to make Sleepy Joe repeat his senior year,” White House Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick explained on Fox News this morning. “President Trump feels it’s unfair that Biden got to finish his senior year from his basement, and that the Electoral College should force him to actually attend classes on their campus, as every other president had to do.”
It’s not clear at this time why President Trump is under the impression that previous presidents matriculated to the Electoral College, as the National Archives do not have any record of such things taking place. However, during the course of his presidency, Trump has repeatedly asserted his right to exist in and lead from an alternative reality. In his demand, Trump clearly believes that presidents are required per the Constitution to attend classes at the Electoral College.
“I am not sure how it escaped your Dean of Admissions’ attention, but our estimates show Sleepy Bo-Beepy is several credits shy of his bachelor’s degree for presidenting,” Trump wrote to the Electoral College, “and I hereby demand he be forced to repeat his senior year, and I will just go ahead and do the country a favor and stay on as president while he gets those credits. Then, if I feel like it, we’ll talk about him getting to be the winner of the election, but only after he gets his degree!”
The Electoral College has not responded to Trump’s demands as of the time of publication.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.