WASHINGTON, D.C. — What, exactly, is “Obamagate?”
To be sure, it’s something that King President Emperor Donald Trump is demanding the media pay attention to. He’s brought it up several times in the last week, and has taken to tweeting it, in all-caps, from time to time as well. Sometimes, he retweets himself after he tweets, “OBAMAGATE!”
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 16, 2020
But what, exactly, is “Obamagate,” specifically? Asking His Royal Highness, you might not get an answer someone with an IQ above their belt size would comprehend. You might get an answer that only people who listen to Alex Jones every day understands, but whether or not King Trump understands what he’s accusing former President Barack Obama of, exactly, is not certain.
Or, it was not certain up until just moments ago, in the Oval Office.
“I just want to say to all of you, well really I want to shout it, and I think I’m going to shout it. Should I shout it? I don’t know. I think I really want to shout it,” President Trump hemmed and hawed. “Okay, yeah, you know what? I’m gonna shout it. You ready? OBAMAGATE!”
Trump had gathered a handful of reporters in Oval to discuss what he said was “bigly yuge things.” Due to social distancing guidelines still in place at the White House, reporters were limited to those who represent outlets Lord God Trump considers “friendly, nice, and not nasty” to him. When the reporters from OAN, Fox News, Breitbart, and Stormfront had all gathered in the office, they each took turns cleaning their mouths with Lysol wipes before kissing the president’s royal rectum.
Trump began the impromptu press conference by shouting, “OBAMAGATE” at every one, and one of the reporters asked him if he was ready to spell out for the American people exactly what he was accusing former President Obama of doing. Trump laughed uproariously. He laughed so hard, in fact, that he defecated in his pants, but ended up blaming the smell on senior bullshit adviser Kellyanne Conway.
“Whoo, boy! Kellyanne, you really shit your pants, didn’t you,” Trump asked. “Anyway, yes, of course I’m ready to tell you all about what Obamagate means, and its, I think the most shocking thing you’ll hear about in your lifetimes. More shocking than him being a literal Kenyan Sharia Voodoo Doctor! I hope you’re all ready to write this down, because it’s just absolutely unbelievable.”
The president opened up a special drawer he had installed in the Resolute Desk. In it, he keeps buckets of fried chicken. In another special drawer, he keeps his Diet Cokes cold. He pulled out a two-liter bottle and opened it as he started shoveling fried chicken into his royal mouth.
“Basically, Obamagate used be called something else. That is, until the RADICAL DO NOTHING BOB MUELLER 12 MILLION ANGRY DEMOCRAT AOC AND THE SQUAD FAKE NEWS ENEMIES OF THE PEOPLE I HOPE I AM NOT FORGETTING ANY OF THE PAVLOVIAN DOG WHISTLE BUZZWORDS WE USE TO RILE UP MY BASE changed everything,” Trump said, “for the worse! Things were so much simpler, back when I could use the word I wanna use, but now I have to call it Obamagate.”
President Trump didn’t slow down the piling of fried chicken down his gullet. He started washing it down by guzzling the Diet Coke straight from the bottle. Belching the loudest burp ever recorded in the Oval Office, Trump continued.
“Okay, so, right, we used to just call it ‘being black,’ or you know back when the FAR LEFT LOONY NERVOUS NANCY ADAM BULLSCHIFF LIBTARD DEMOC-RATS didn’t censor us we could just use a simple word that started with N,” Trump explained, “but yeah, that’s it. It just means he was black. Well, wait, actually, Obamagate also means he was black AND a better president than I’ll ever be. I have presidential envy. His presidency was much, much bigger than mine.”
As evidence, Trump pointed to an interview former Bush campaign manager Karl Rove gave to Fox News this morning. In the interview, the porcine Rove accused President Obama of a “political drive-by shooting” during a virtual commencement speech Obama gave for all the graduating seniors this past weekend. In it, Obama criticized Trump’s handling of the coronavirus outbreak without so much as mentioning the president by name.
"It is so unseemly for a former president to take the virtual commencement ceremony for a series of historically black colleges and universities and turn it into a political drive-by shooting" — Karl Rove on Obama's commencement speech in which he indirectly criticized Trump pic.twitter.com/stZamQFhgF
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) May 18, 2020
“Did you hear what Karl said about Obama? By the way, I think Karl’s missing a couple of crucial things from his first name — two more K’s, but anyway,” Trump meandered, “he said it was political drive-by. You know why he used that term, because you know who does drive-bys. So Karl knows it, he gets it. OBAMAGATE. That former president is just a big ol’ uppity OBAMAGATE!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.