Categories: Science/Technology

Trump Orders Facebook and Twitter to Require Users Like and Follow Him

WASHINGTON, D.C. — It’s been no big secret around the nation’s capital that President Donald Trump is very concerned with his social media presence, and with how he perceives social media companies treat his rabidly loyal base. During a private summit with Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey, reportedly Mr. Trump took time to specifically complain about his follower count on the site. 

This morning, in a fury of tweets, Trump revealed that he was going to hold a special forum on social media “bias, discrimination, and suppression.” The nation’s conservatives have believed for quite some time now that social media tech companies discriminate against them. The issue has become one of such agony that many have suggested the government fund special courses that teach Republican lawmakers and rank and file voters how algorithms work.

We spoke to one social media industry insider who told us many of the companies in Swilly Corn Valley are working on “creating the safe spaces conservatives apparently need.” 

“It’s so hard for us to get through to them that our algorithms are taught to give users the content they want to see and that they can trust, and that if conservative content isn’t getting through to users,” our source explained, “that it’s probably because it doesn’t meet those two very simple criteria. But it seems these days Republicans would rather see a conspiracy instead of facts and truth, so here we are, face to face, a couple of silver spoons, know what I mean?”

In order to address what he sees as a “growing threat” to his presidency as one source put it, Trump has issued a direct executive order to Facebook and Twitter. According to Trump’s command, the social media companies have been given two weeks to implement a new policy that forces users of the platforms to follow and/or like the president’s official accounts. New users would be automatically registered with likes for and follows of President Trump. Existing users would be given a certain amount of time to comply, and if they do not follow the order, their accounts should be terminated, Trump also ordered.

“As of this very moment, I am putting Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Tumblr, Tinder, Grindr, and McDonalds dot com on notice,” Trump said, “Stop your bias. Stop your presidential disrespect. You are hereby ordered to force all your users to like and follow me, or else. There will be stiff and swift consequences for any social media company that defies this order, make no mistake.”

Citing the fact that President Abraham Lincoln suspended the writ of habeas corpus during the Civil War, Trump says we are living in “similarly divided times” and he is making a similar move.

“I am temporarily suspending freedom of expression and thought until we can restore order and assure me another 20 years in office, as is the will of every good, clean, ammo hoarding white American nationalist,” Trump stated. “We’ll maybe restore the First Amendment at some point down the line; we’ll see. No promises.”

People who have Facebook and Twitter accounts won’t just have to like and follow Mr. Trump. According to his new order, they will also have to hold and espouse flattering views of him. He said as much as reporters were wrapping up the press conference.

“Users also have to think I’m handsome, don’t want to bang my daughter, and have totally normal sized and shaped hands and genitals,” Trump said emphatically. “And they better post about it every day, or I will have them arrested.”

Reached for comment, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) said that the news of Trump’s order is “alarming and terrible” but she was too busy chastising freshmen congressional representatives from her own party for caring about actual issues more than the health of their political party to do literally even the smallest thing about it.

Another Story: Poll Says Majority Of Americans Approve Of Aborting Alabama, Missouri, Georgia, And Ohio

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James Schlarmann

Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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