WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump has reportedly decided to have the special chair at his cabinet meeting table he’d requested for his daughter removed, and will instead have her sit on his lap, according to several highly-placed sources.
“At first I thought I wanted my First Lady right by side, but now I realize I want her even closer to me than that,” Trump apparently told reporters from Breitbart and InfoWars present in the Oval Office at the time.
Trump says that by having Ivanka on his lap, he’ll have one of his “closest and sexiest confidantes” as near to him as possible, “without being literally inside her.”
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“And I keep asking Steve and Reince when we can work on legislation to make that possible,” Trump reportedly said, “but they keep saying they’ll get back to me. So for the time being, she’ll have to stay on my lap.”
The president believes that there are numerous advantages to this move, sources tell us. One advantage is economical — there’s one less chair to have to maintain, leaving White House maintenance staff to work on other projects. Another is that the president will feel “more at home,” aides say.
“Besides,” Trump said to his staff, “Ivanka’s spent more time sitting on my crotch — er, I mean, lap — than probably anywhere else in her life. So she’ll be super-duper comfortable there as well.”
Reached for comment, Second Lady Melania Trump didn’t seem too concerned about this new development.
“Honestly,” Mrs. Trump said to reporters outside her Trump Tower apartment, “better her than me. On all of it. I mean, I know it looks like I’m just dying to spend more time with my husband, what with me living thousands of miles away all the time and only coming down for photo-ops, but really, truthfully? WAY BETTER HER THAN ME.”
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Ivanka, on her way into a meeting with an envoy from Taiwan to discuss her new product launch in that country, as well as various other items of official U.S. government business, shrugged when asked about her new seat.
“Oh, that’s just Daddy being Daddy,” Ivanka said, “you get used to it. At first, no doubt it’s disturbing and horrifying. With each new thing he says, he finds a new, unbelievable rock bottom to sink to. But you know, then he gives you a blank check and all the shame and humiliation and self-hatred goes away. Just wait, America. Wait for that Daddy Check. Daddy Checks make everything all better.”
This satire first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.