Trump Names First Lady as New Ambassador to the United Kingston

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, President Donald Trump announced that he was appointing his First Lady to be the new American ambassador to the United Kingston.

“Frankly, the fact that we’ve have to endure so long without an ambassador to the United Kingston can be blamed squarely on the Angry Democrats,” President Trump told reporters in the Oval Office this morning about the appointment, “but little do they know how well MY DAUGHTER IVANKA will do in the role. She’s got at least two big talents I know of, know what I mean? WINK WINK.”

Reportedly, later staff would remind the president that saying the winks negates the whole winking thing.

“Her first job will be to secure a new trade deal with the territory of Whales,” Trump announced. “With a new trade deal in place with them, we can position ourselves quite nicely for a trade deal with Dolphins, then onto Squid, and finally Lampreys. No one will get tired of all the winning we do then, I’ll tell you what!”

Once the trade deals in the United Kingston are locked up, Trump says he will send First Lady Ivanka on several more “bigly yuge” consular missions for the administration.

“We have so many plans for my dear, sweet, sexy ambassadaughter,” Trump said, coining a new Trumpism on the spot. “We’re sending her to Nambia to negotiate an end to the covfefe tariff wars, and she’ll be off to discuss big things with the President of Utah after that. Those meetings will be held here, in the Lincoln bedroom. With some lube. And a VHS tape of all my big and famous cameos in movies and TV shows from the 1980’s.”

The announcement of Ivanka’s appointment as ambassador comes just hours after Trump ally Boris Johnson inched close to being named the new Prime Minister of the United Kingston. It’s unclear why First Lady Ivanka congratulated Johnson as if he had officially been named PM, but her father says “that’s just part of her sexy, sexy, sexy genius.”

“I’m not here to second guess Vanky Baby. It’s always been my experience with Vanky that you’re best off just taking a seat, loosening up your belt, undoing your pants, and watching her genius at work,” Trump said. “Her two big geniuses, to be exact, know what I mean, WINK WINK?!”

Again aides told Trump he had said the “wink wink” part out loud, with lots of volume.

“Sorry, everyone, I’m used to being able to be a little louder because Sarah Huckabee’s farts would drown out most noises in the White House,” Trump announced.

There was talk, briefly, of giving the First Lady a unique title no one has ever held before. 

“I thought about calling her the piece of assador, but people didn’t think that was very presidential, so we’re going with the boring old word instead,” Trump said. “The point is, of course, my good best friend Boris won his election, thanks to me, of course, and that my dear, sweet, hot, amazingly toned, super fit, and still very vaginally tight First Daughter Lady will be the ambassador right by his side. But never on top of him. She knows better. Some things are just for Daddy.”

First Lady Daughter Ivanka told the media that she was “honored and humbled” by her father’s decision.

“I’m used to Daddy giving me all kinds of things. Jobs, money, the hot beef injection, but this is really something very special,” Ivanka said. “I look forward to bringing the great people of the United Kingston closer to the great, white American patriots who love my dad and are therefore still legally allowed to call themselves Americans while everyone else is now, officially, a libtard cuck. Oh, also, aren’t my shoes, like, totally great?!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

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