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Saturday, June 3, 2023

Trump Calls Continued Wall Street Coronavirus Bailouts ‘Free Market Socialism’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — At publication, the Dow Jones Industrial Average was up just over 30 points for a gain of just .16% over yesterday’s trading average. If the Dow manages to close up today, it would be a break from the onslaught of devastating losses it and the other stock exchanges have been experiencing since the pandemic outbreak of the novel coronavirus started in earnest in the United States. Losses have been so severe that virtually all of the gains made in the markets since President Donald Trump took office in January of 2017 have been all but wiped out in the last two weeks. 

The Federal Reserve has already injected more than $2 trillion into the financial sector of the economy, and there are strong indications that more could be coming. The White House has signalled its support for even more stimulus for Wall Street, despite the fact that the markets absorbed over a trillion and a half dollar injection last week and that huge outlay of capital couldn’t stop a massive sell-off that day. This morning, President Trump was spotted taking a walk around the White House lawn, getting some fresh air as a break from the coronavirus self-quarantine the country has been under for the past few days.

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Shouting to reporters, the president defended not only the recent Fed injections of cash into the financial sector, but lobbied heavily for more, calling it “free market socialism.”

“As a Republican, of course I care about not interfering with the free market…when there’s a Democrat, or worse a black Democrat in my Oval Office,” Trump announced. “However, in this most uncertain-full times, I’m afraid we must take some drastic measures. One of those measures is continually dumping fat stacks of cash on my rich buddies over on Wall Street. But Americans shouldn’t think of this as socialism; they should think of it as something better…free market socialism!”

Trump’s relationship with the Dow has been rocky of late. Last week, this outlet reported exclusively that he accused “Mr. Dow Jones” as being a “Never Trumper” and part of a coup against his presidency. 

“I gotta be honest with you, folks. At first I was confident, bigly confident, that the stock markets were part of a deep state coup attempt,” Trump screamed at reporters, “but I think I was not quite right, believe it or not. Can you believe that? Me, not being quite right? I know, I know, I can sense the shock and frustration in your body language, because as we all know I’ve never been not right, ever, about anything.” (Alt Facts)

However upset Trump may have been with the Dow last week, however, sources say he’s keenly aware of how vital the stock markets’ performance are to his re-election bid. The president has often pointed to the enormous gains in the market as evidence of his accomplishments on the economic front. However, most of those gains have been wiped out completely since the start of the COVID-19 outbreak. President Trump hopes that he can convince Congress to authorize as much ongoing stimulus as possible.

The president doesn’t think spending “too much money on the poors” will be as beneficial for the economy as “keeping rich people happy.” 

“I’ve heard some folks say that the couple of trillion bucks we’ve given Wall Street the last few days could have been better spent on the American people, so they have some security and peace of mind,” Trump shouted, “but that sounds like hippy dippy commie bullshit, and not free market socialism, so I say, excuse me, I say, ‘fuck you’ to that, very honestly.”

President Trump compared the stock market injections from the Fed to his farm bailouts that have been necessary in the wake of his trade war with China. The president said Americans “should get used to [his] brand of socialism.” Trump indicated there could be more socialism he likes to come.

“As you all know, I’m the world’s most successful businessman, ever,” Trump boasted, “and so you could say, some say anyway, and who am I to argue with them? Anyway, they say that I should probably go ahead and use the federal government to buy a few companies. Maybe we’ll buy Coke. Maybe we’ll buy Disney. I don’t know. But nationalizing a few things seems like the exact kind of socialism we need in this country, and so everyone should get used to my brand of socialism, since it’ll be here for a long time coming, folks. Long time.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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