WASHINGTON, D.C — For many months now, Rudy Giuliani, President Trump’s personal lawyer, has been one of his loudest and most outspoken defenders. In countless interviews, the former mayor of New York City and federal prosecutor has vehemently tried to protect Trump from allegations that he abused his power aggressively and unapologetically when he tried to pressure Ukraine’s new president into investigating Joe Biden and his son, Hunter.
The team of Giuliani and Trump seemed to be forged in steel and unbreakable, even as the former’s name kept being mentioned by witnesses during the House Intelligence Committee’s impeachment hearings over the last two weeks. Throughout, Mr. Giuliani has told the press his actions in connection with the Ukrainian pressure effort were valid and legal, as he was working at the direction of his client, the President of the United States. However, Mr. Trump appeared ready to start distancing himself from his attorney when he told Bill O’Reilly that he did not give the former mayor orders to act on in Ukraine.
Asked point-blank if Giuliani was acting on his behalf in trying to dig up dirt on former vice president Joe Biden—an issue now at the heart of an impeachment inquiry—Trump said, “No, I didn’t direct him, but he is a warrior, he is a warrior…I know that he was going to go to Ukraine and I think he cancelled the trip. But Rudy has other clients, other than me. He’s done a lot of work in Ukraine over the years.” (Daily Beast)
This morning, while pacing around the lawn of the White House waiting for a helicopter to take him to Denny’s for a Grand Slam Breakfast or eight, President Trump further distanced himself from his personal attorney.
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“I never directed Rudy to do anything. I didn’t do that. I would never do that,” Trump screamed at reporters over the roar of the helicopter’s propeller blades. “Maybe President John Barron gave Rudy some orders, but I know President Donald Trump didn’t do shit. You hear me? Write that down in your stupid little notebooks, right now! GET A PEN OUT AND WRITE DOWN THAT PRESIDENT JOHN BARRON IS THE GUY GIVING ORDERS TO RUDY GIULIANI, NOT ME, RIGHT NOW GODDAMN IT!”
The president insisted it was “just a coincidence” if President Barron’s orders for Giuliani happened to benefit Trump personally.
“I couldn’t have known any of that! How could I have? I barely know President Barron,” Trump shouted. “HE’S JUST A LOW LEVEL COFFEE BOY-SLASH-PRESIDENT, YOU CUCKS!”
The force of the angry screaming caused the president to break wind. He put his small right hand down the backseat of his pants. Then, he pulled his hand out, now in a sort of cup shape, and whiffed the air that it held.
“Ah, perfect. Just perfect. Smells like roses and money,” he told the press pool about his fart’s odor. “I bet Obama’s farts never smelled so good. And if you guys were honest, which you’re not, you’d go and ask him to prove what his farts smell like.”
After ten minutes of discussing presidential farts and where his would rank him in the pantheon of commanders in chief and their flatulence, Trump continued to distance himself from Mr. Giuliani.
“Look, Rudy’s a good guy, okay? But he’s not talking about me when he says he was acting on the president’s orders,” Trump insisted. “It had to be President Barron. Maybe even the President of Puerto Rico. But I can promise you, my hand to God, President Trump never told Rudy to go help me dig up dirt on the Bidens. And why would I start lying to you all now, after I’ve been so completely and utterly truthful with you this whole time?”
Reached for comment, Giuliani didn’t try to contradict his client.
“You know what? Maybe it was President Barron,” Giuliani said. “Hang on, let me move this shriveled orange piece of leather to the other side of my mouth so you can hear me better…there you go, that ought to help. Hey, maybe it was President Barron. Who knows? If my client tells me it wasn’t him, I have to believe him. No, really, I do. He told me the moment I stop acting like I believe every word that falls out of his face, the checks will stop coming.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.