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Saturday, June 3, 2023

Trump: “What Was I Supposed To Do? Golf, Defend Myself From Impeachment, AND Keep An Eye On The Pandemic?”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — An angry President Trump once again lashed out at congressional Democrats as a defense against accusations that his administration has not adequately responded to the pandemic outbreak of COVID-19, or the novel coronavirus. Over the past couple of days, Trump has attempted to frame the issue so that blame for any sluggish response to the coronavirus was due to he and his team being too heavily involved in the defense against his impeachment, and not on him or his staff whatsoever. It’s unclear whether this argument is convincing to the American people, however that hasn’t stopped Trump from angrily bashing Speaker Nancy Pelosi and her fellow Democrats for what he today called “unscrupulous attempts at presidentical accountability.”

“You tell me first who the fuck gave Nancy the right to hold my power in check, and then I’ll tell you why she and her fellow CRAZY LEFT-WING AOC AND THE SQUAD BOB MUELLER ANGRY DEMOCRATS are to blame for anything band happening in regards to this terrible, invisible enemy,” Trump screamed at the top of his lungs. “It’s just plain rude, mean, nasty, and vicious to try and hold me accountable for my actions. It’s illegal, and if it isn’t, then it should be, and I’ll tell Billy Barr to make it illegal!”

Trump Blames Democrats For Impeaching Him Instead Of Coronavirus

House Democrats passed two articles of impeachment against Trump for obstruction of Congress and abuse of power back in December, at least a few weeks before the first coronavirus case was found in the U.S. Despite that fact, Trump and his allies have still pushed forward with their rhetorical claims that fighting impeachment was too much of a distraction to the administration for them to act on the reports on COVID-19 as effectively as they otherwise might. Trump lambasted Democrats for “trying to force [him] to choose between important duties.”

“What was I supposed to do? Golf, defend myself from impeachment, AND keep an eye on the pandemic,” Trump asked with scorn in his voice. “Get bent, Democrats. Nobody can be expected to run the country, defend themselves in a legal proceeding, and also keep their handicap down! That’s ludicrous. Even a god-like entity like me can’t do all that at the same damn time!”

During recent coronavirus briefings, Trump has not only tried to bring impeachment into the conversation about his administration’s response to the pandemic, he’s also tried to create a public record that he took it seriously, acted swiftly, and saved countless lives in the process. Whether or not the actual facts are that he held several rallies after the CDC’s first warning about COVID-19 back in January and went golfing a few times as well, Trump has insisted those are “mean facts” and should be ignored.

“I don’t know what you guys are talking about, really,” Trump insisted when asked about the post-outbreak rallies. “We never held rallies. Those people were, um, holograham crackers or whatever the kids are doing these days with the Tupacs and the concerts! And I never said it was a hoax! I said it’ll effect SOME FOLKS. This is still a free country where I can use words that rhyme, can I not? NO. YOU TELL ME. CAN I RHYME IN THIS COUNTRY?!”

The subject of whether or not Trump believed the coronavirus outbreak was a hoax came up in another way. The White House announced earlier in the day that it would start separating fatalities from COVID-19 from fatalities caused by the Democrat/media hoax. The move was made, the administration said, in order to help the president’s base, which they said are “already very easily confused.”

“The president’s base is already very easily confused. For instance, they think a guy who couldn’t keep a casino in the black is a good businessman, and that wanting to fuck your own daughter is a virtue of strong family values,” White House Press Drunk Stephanie Grisham told reporters this morning. “We certainly don’t want Americans getting confused as to whether the coronavirus or the Democrat Hoax Virus killed people that day, so our Dear President has decided to report those totals separately.” (AltFacts)

Last week, the United States became the global leader in total confirmed COVID-19 cases, and Congress passed a $2 trillion stimulus act in an attempt to stave off the worst effects of a near nationwide total shutdown of the economy.

Treasury Department Announces Senior Jobs Program For Economic Recovery From Coronavirus

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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