WASHINGTON, D.C. — Protests against police brutality have erupted all over the country since footage of a Minneapolis police officer kneeling on a black suspect’s neck and killing him as the suspect cried out that he couldn’t breathe first went viral a few days ago. Though the officer who was kneeling on George Floyd has been arrested and charged with third-degree murder, the other officers who stood by and did nothing to stop the extrajudicial killing have not faced any formal charges, which is also fueling the protests. Many of the protests have become violent, sparking riots that many believe could be getting kicked-off by outside agitators, and not the protesters themselves, necessarily.
The White House has not been spared in these times, either. Over the past few nights, loud, angry protests have erupted right in front of President Trump’s residence. A fire was set in a nearby park, and in a historical church not far from the White House. Reportedly, the president was taken to a secure bunker under the White House over the weekend, when the protests got particularly loud and violent.
A stark image of a darkened White House — the lights in front of it usually stay on 365 days a year — seemed to lend credence to the reports that the protests had shaken the president and his staff.
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The White House has yet to confirm or deny that Trump was actually taken into a bunker. However, one source very close to the situation has divulged under the condition of anonymity and tickets to the next Wrestlemania that indeed Trump was taken to the bunker. The source also leaked some new information about the sequence of events Saturday night.
“Yes, it’s true that President Trump begged to be taken to a bunker on Saturday,” our source told us, “but it’s because he was a little confused. Frankly he’s been getting confused like this more and more lately. It’s almost like the pressure of doing the world’s hardest job was too much for the guy who’s never had a job that wasn’t created solely for him to fail spectacularly at, but what do I know?”
According to our source, Trump believed that he was going to be taken somewhere he “feels most comfortable and safe” — his nearby Trump D.C. golf course.
“The president has only ever heard the word ‘bunker’ used when he was golfing,” our source explained, “though he has ordered me to tell everyone whenever I talk about his golf game that he’s never actually been in a bunker. He’s never missed a fairway, or a green in regulation, and usually only needs one putt. But, the point is that when he heard talk of taking him to a bunker, President Trump got quite excited and pushed for it, based solely on that misunderstanding of what was meant by taking him to a bunker.”
Once talk of a “bunker” surfaced, our source says that is all that Trump could really focus on.
“He was really kind of begging to be taken to the bunker,” our source announced. “He was really quite excited about the idea, actually.”
Reportedly, Mr. Trump was quite irate when he got into the White House bunker, which was last used during the 9/11 terror attacks nearly twenty years ago.
“He started shouting about where the driving range was, and how he was supposed to work on his short game from inside the bunker,” our source said. “Luckily, we were able to bring down his practice putting machine and we ordered about forty grand in McDonald’s for GrubHub to deliver to the bunker. That kept him pretty docile for a good six or seven hours, and the food coma put him to sleep for another five.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.