Trump Hires Goon to Steal Greenland From Denmark and Hide It In the Alamo Basement

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump, having been rebuffed on multiple occasions by Denmark in his efforts to purchase Greenland, reportedly hired a goon to steal Greenland and hide in the basement of the Alamo. It was discovered this morning by Danish authorities that the entire country of Greenland was not where they had left it the night before. Someone had taken it, and within hours it was apparent to everyone in Denmark who had absconded with it.

Soon, the two countries’ leaders were on the phone with each other, trying to work it all out.

“Umm, look, I don’t know if anyone told you, but I’m the Chosen One, okay? And because I’m the Chosen One, my dad told me I could have anything I wanted,” Trump shouted at the Danish Prime Minister this morning on a call about the situation, “and you wouldn’t name your price. So I did what I had to do and I called up my buddy Ralph and asked him to boost it. Big whoop. Whattya gonna do about it? Cry? Fight me? You wanna fight me?”

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It was during the call that Trump confessed to the entire scheme to steal Greenland from Denmark.

“I told Ralph that once he’d cut the chains on Greenland, he had to bring it over here to America so I could have it,” Trump said, “but I got cold feet after he’d already stolen it. So I had him take it somewhere I didn’t think you guys’d ever spot it.”

Mr. Trump told his friend Ralph to hide the entire country of Greenland in the basement of the Alamo, in Texas. His belief was that if the country could be hidden from Denmark long enough, perhaps the Danes would grow accustomed to it, and let him have it. At the very least, he was hoping the whole affair would blow over, eventually. However, that does not appear to have been the case, and Denmark’s PM has said they will dispatch someone immediately to take back possession of Greenland from the Alamo’s basement.

But there’s already a major hitch.

“There’s no basement in the Alamo,” said Janet Hooks, the head of tourism outreach at the Alamo, “though we do have lots of fun exhibits about the Mexican people. Folks really seem to like our our mannequins I-Nezz and Ho-zay and the demonstrations of tortilla making we do. But, sadly, there’s no basement here, so I’m not exactly sure where Greenland might be at this point in time. For sure it’s not here though.”

Denmark’s Deputy Prime Minister Paulina Roobins told reporters that her boss is “incensed and outraged” about Trump’s behavior, but knows that probably nothing will be done about it.

“Even Nancy Pelosi seems to have given up on holding this reckless buffoon accountable,” Roobins explained, “so the Prime Minister is well-aware that we may never get Greenland back again.”

President Trump vowed to help Denmark find Greenland, and assured them it’s “definitely not just tucked under Eric’s bed.” 

“Don’t worry, guys, we’ll find it, and when we do, we’ll give it back to you,” Trump said, “in almost the same condition when we got it. Maybe. Probably not, now that I think about it more. Oh well, who cares? I’m president, you’re not.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

James' newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

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