WASHINGTON, D.C. — The other 49 states in the union have exactly one week to “do whatever bullshit their constitutions require” that will change their names officially to “Alabama,” according to a new order given by President Donald J. Trump.
“I hereby order each and every state in the country to do whatever bullshit their constitutions require and change their names to Alabama,” Trump shouted as he stuck his head out of the Oval Office doorway, expecting staff to take notes and send the order to the fifty state legislatures and governors’ mansions throughout the U.S. “They have one week to comply, or I nuke them like a hurricane on my bad side!”
Trump explained that “no one, not even the most perfect president ever” could make the mistake of announcing the wrong state was in the pathway of a deadly hurricane if all the states are named the same.
“Think about it! This might be my best idea since Trump Steaks! It’s quite simple, really,” Trump said emphatically when asked about the order later on the White House lawn. “It might be my best idea since opening a casino! Hell, I daresay it might be my best idea since starting my own university!”
The White House believes naming each state “Alabama” will have a multitude of positive effects for the president, politically and otherwise.
“We’re pretty sure that means the president will receive every state’s Electoral College votes next year,” one administration official told us. “And that’s to say nothing about how excited many of his supporters will be to finally know all fifty state capitals!”
Some other names were considered, our source tells us.
“We were thinking of calling every state ‘Trump,’ but thought would require more Sharpies and more weather maps, so we went with Alabama instead,” the source said.
Though generally the feeling in the White House is that naming every state Alabama will be good in the long run, there are some issues that just will never be solved because of it, worry some officials.
“I mean, the simple fact is that most people in Alabama still won’t be able to spell it, even when it’s right there in front of them on every other state,” one aide said, “but what can you do?”
Thus far, there has been no official response from the states. Legal scholars have suggested that while what Trump did was unconstitutional, as long as his personal attorney William Barr says it’s okay, it probably is. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was seen running to her car and shouting with her fingers firmly in her ears.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”