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Thursday, June 1, 2023

Trump Hints at Offering Astros’ Yuli Gurriel Cabinet Seat During White House Visit

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Houston Astros are World Champions of Major League Baseball this morning, thanks to a Game 7 win over the Los Angeles Dodgers. The 2017 Fall Classic will likely go down as one of the best of the current era. It was a series chock-full of blown leads, comebacks, multiple home runs for each team each game, and generally created more drama than many series in years past. As he left the White House for his usual morning non-jog to McDonald’s, President Donald Trump intimated that the World Series this year may yet bring even more historic developments.

“I saw that nice chap Gurriel during the World Series,” Trump told the press pool, “and he really impressed me. I think we could really use a guy like him in my cabinet. Since we lost Bannon, I need someone with his, you know, unique racial views.”

Yuli Gurriel — who had a fantastic series and hit two home runs in Game 5 — will be serving a five game suspension next season for making a racist gesture toward Dodgers pitcher Yu Darvish, who is Japanese. Gurriel, after hitting one of his home runs, was in the dugout and cameras caught him pulling back his eyelids in a way that has been widely held as just racist stereotyping of Asian people for years. Gurriel did tip his cap to Darvish before entering the batter’s box against him in Game 7.

“You just gotta love that Gurriel isn’t some snowflake, and he’s willing to make the gestures he wants to make,” Trump said, “and I admire it when someone can do something really stupid offensive unapologetically.”

It’s unclear at this time which department Gurriel would be put in charge of. Trump intimated he might create a department for Gurriel to head up.

“Maybe Secretary of Asian American Outreach,” Trump suggested, “that makes as much sense as a brain surgeon running HUD, or a brain donor running my energy department.”

When reporters asked if Trump thinks Gurriel will accept his offer, given that Gurriel is Hispanic and Trump has been particularly harsh in his criticisms of Latin American countries and immigrants in general, Trump laughed.

“I had no idea he was a Taco Bowl American,” Trump said, “Well, that shouldn’t matter much, I don’t think. Many of the best people are falling all over themselves to work for me, you see.”

Gurriel nor the Astros commented on this story.

More satire:

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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