WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, throughout the country, fans are celebrating an unofficial “Star Wars Day.”
More than 40 years ago, George Lucas’ seminal film, Star Wars: A New Hope, debuted and right from the start, it became a cultural phenomenon. It was a literal blockbuster, with fans of all ages lining up for blocks to get their tickets and see Darth Vader, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, Chewbacca, and a couple of plucky droids battle it out in a galaxy far, far away. Not one to let a day be about someone other than himself, today President Trump made a Star Wars-related claim that no one had heard before.
“You know, I was the whole inspiration for the best character in that whole series,” Trump told reporters on the White House lawn as he prepared to go golfing. “It’s true. That George Lucky guy or whatever? He and I happened to be shopping at the same Trader Joe’s one day, after the first movie came out.”
Trump says that he and Lucas stopped and chatted, because Lucas recognized Trump.
“I mean, I was already a pretty big deal; a pretty big celebrity, and he had some piddly little pew pew movie I guess, and clearly wanted an autograph from me, the giant star,” Trump said. “Well, we started talking, and at some point, George asked me what I thought about his movie.”
The president says he gave Mr. Lucas a “short, sweet, but bigly good” review of the first film. But he says he told Lucas the film needed a character that was even “more badder and worser than Barf Invader, or whatever his name is.”
“He needs a boss. A guy who’s more badass,” Trump said. “Like, a God King, or an emperor. As soon as I said that word, he pulls out this notepad and pencil, and writes it down.”
Then, according to Trump, the filmmaker asked Trump what his plans were.
“He probably meant just for the day, but for whatever reason, I decided to give him my whole, bigly, life’s ambitions,” Trump divulged. “So I said, hey, you know, I’d like to one day maybe become president. Start off small. Lull people into a sense of security, the gullible ones. Make them think I’m bringing law and order, and fairness to the galaxy, or country, or whatever. Then, maybe I start sowing the seeds of discord. Maybe I start consolidating my power, and then, maybe, one day I just kinda declare that I am the Senate since I control the lackey, turtle-looking mother-effers that do whatever I tell them to do anyway.”
Lucas was writing all this down excitedly, Trump said.
“I’m told that eventually, he wrote this super fun character that is pretty much the main good guy in all the films, and that he did a lot of the stuff I said I wanted to do,” the president said. “I’m of course bigly honored by that.”
Reached for comment, Lucas said “everything that man said is a total and complete lie.”
“Then again, he did just give me a great reason to blame the shittiness of the prequels on him, and not my horribly hamfisted story telling that opened more plot holes in my original masterpiece than it closed,” Lucas said in a statement. “So maybe I’ll let him take credit for all that stuff after all. Then again, there’s one key difference between Palps and Trump — even Sith don’t want to fuck their daughters.”
This story is developing.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.