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Monday, June 5, 2023

Trump Will Hold Instagram Live Cross Burning to ‘Make Up For’ Canceled Campaign Rallies

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump reportedly has been quite unnerved at how long it’s been since his last campaign rally. Mr. Trump has delighted in holding his large gatherings of like-minded followers in states he won in 2016 since just weeks after he took office. He started holding the rallies as he campaigned, but they became a mainstay of his first three years in office. However, his administration’s response to the novel coronavirus outbreak has included a request that all Americans remain in their homes as much as possible for at least two weeks to help slow the spread of the disease long enough for a vaccine to be developed and so medical professionals can be better prepared to handle the influx of infected patients with the disease.

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A nationwide shelter in place request effectively ended Trump’s ability to hold his massive rallies for the time being. Trump’s campaign manager announced today, however, that the president’s team had devised a way to “use and leverage technology” to hold a “virtual rally” using Instagram Live. The virtual rally’s proceedings will conclude with a ceremonial cross burning, and Trump will encourage those watching to sing “Way Down in Dixie” with him.

“None of us really wanted to cancel the rallies in the first place,” Brad Parscale, campaign manager, announced in a series of tweets today, “but we are extremely happy to announce that we’ve come up with a way to use and leverage technology and hold a virtual rally. This virtual rally will feature all the key things you’ve come to expect from a Trump rally — racism and a loud moron shouting lies and conspiracy theories into a microphone, and of course, a cross lighting.”

Once the crosses are lit, Parscale said, the president plans to “take it to the next level” and will start hurling books written by liberals or Democrats at the flaming crosses. The hope is that the books will catch fire themselves, starting a large bonfire.  White House senior racism adviser Stephen Miller was reportedly behind this idea.

“We will defeat the threat of the coronavirus together, and will one day all be in the same arena again,” Parscale tweeted, “but for now, we must coalesce behind our Dear President in new, technologically advanced ways. We must come together digitally. Please, join us next week on Instagram live for this truly historic event.”

One advantage to holding digital cross burnings and campaign rallies, Parscale later told W-KKK AM Talk Radio’s Chip Chatterly, is that they will help Trump supporters follow CDC guidelines that were released last week.

“Today the Centers for Disease Control would like to beg and plead with Trump supporters to use their own white hoods and only their own white hoods,” CDC Spokeswoman Allison DeGrille told reporters at a press conference. “Sharing hoods with your fellow klansman might be the hateful neighborly thing to do, but it’s also a tremendous way to spread the coronavirus, given all the snot and spittle that flies from your face when you’re shouting about white genocide.” (Alternative Facts)

“We know how fun it is to share hoods at our rallies,” Parscale tweeted, “and so it pleases us greatly that we’ll be able to provide a way for the president’s bigly great supporters to congregate, but in their own hoods only, and therefore help stop to spread the coronavirus.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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