WASHINGTON, D.C. — A clearly perturbed President Donald Trump told reporters today he’s feeling “bigly upset” by the lack of a clear winner from this week’s Democratic Iowa caucuses. Trump said that the lack of declared winner makes it “nearly impossible” for him to decide who he thinks has corrupt ties to Ukraine.
“Every week I check the polls, see who’s coming up in the Democrats’ primaries, and decide based on that I know who I think is corrupt,” Trump explained, “and therefore clearly needs to be investigated by Ukraine, with the help of Rudy Giuliani and Bill Barr, my personal Attorney General.”
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One thing is for certain from the Iowa caucuses, however. Joe Biden, the man at the center of Trump’s just concluded impeachment crisis, will not come out as a winner. In fact, many are wondering if he’ll wind up as the nominee, as Trump and others had presumed would be the case. The president indicated this development does in fact change his calculations and investigative strategy.
“Now that my fellow Republicans in Congress have given me the green light to use the power of my office to do whatever the hell I want to whoever the hell I want,” Trump said, “I have a great duty to investigate the Democratic frontrunner, whomever that is. Turns out maybe Sleepy Joe and his son Hunter aren’t the ones I should be worried about. And I’d also say it looks like Gabbard and Yang are pretty safe. Hell, if these results hold, it looks like Pocahontas isn’t corrupt either.”
It would appear, Trump mused, that there are “two Democrats that look pretty corrupt” to him now. Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders is one. Mayor Pete Buttigieg is the other. However, Trump said that his mind could change, and there could be names added to or removed from the list of suspects he has started formulating. For instance, he says that he’s “strongly considering” whether or not former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is corrupt enough to warrant a Ukrainian investigation.
“Mini Mike of course has no shot against me. The Democrats probably won’t let him be the nominee,’ Trump said, “but I’ve got my eyes on him. If he moves up in the polls, BAM! He gets an investigation. Same with that Kombucha broad. Whatever her name is. She starts climbing, and she’s gone. Even the, uh, you know, the one who’s probably good at math, WINK WINK, Ying or Yang or whatever? He better watch himself. Get too high in the polls, and he’s toast.”
Even Tulsi Gabbard could be investigated, Trump said.
“Frankly, I think she should wait four years and run as a Republican, and if any of children don’t want the presidency next, Tulsi could have my blessing,” Trump said. “We both love parroting Putin’s talking points, so we have a lot in common. I think my voters would like her enough to support her, if I told them they had to. But again, my gorgeous, sexy as fuck daughter Ivanka has first dibs. Then two dummies. If none of them want it, Tulsi should call me.”
Sen. Rand Paul was asked about Trump’s comments as he arrived for work at the Senate today. Paul said that now that Trump’s impeachment is behind him, he’ll “of course feel like he can investigate whoever he wants, however he wants to.”
“And you know? I support that. Wait, is he still a Republican,” Paul asked. “He is? Then yes, I support that. Why should the president feel like he has to use our own governmental investigatory agencies? He’s the president! He can do whatever he wants! If he wants to ask his two golf buddies if they want to investigate Warren, or Buttigieg, that’s his right! He’s president! As a hardcore libertarian, you know I just love the idea of a lawless tyrant king! That makes sense, trust me!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.