WASHINGTON, D.C. — In Virginia, a man named Denver Riggleman is running for Congress, and his opponent has unearthed the fact that he is a fan and author of “Bigfoot erotica,” a genre of fiction that focuses on humans falling in love and having sexual encounters with Yeti or Bigfoot creatures. This morning, President Trump apparently found about Riggleman, and wanted to know if anyone in his administration, or close to him, “has such sick depravities.”
“The president was very concerned about the possibility of someone in the White House having an affinity for Bigfoot porn, and immediately called a cabinet meeting to discuss it,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said from behind a deep-fried nacho salad. “During the course of the meeting, several ideas for how to ferret out those who might be into that kind of thing were bandied about, with the president leaning toward waterboarding thanks to the advice of John Bolton.”
Ultimately, President Trump decided there was just one person whose pornographic proclivities he was interested in sussing out.
“IVANKA! GET YOUR HOT ASS IN HERE, VANKY,” Trump was heard shouting from the Oval Office.
Moments later, Trump’s daughter Ivanka strode into the room. She was wearing a skin-tight dress made from the souls of the Chinese children she forced to make her recently suttered knock-off high-fashion line. The president could be heard audibly groaning when Ivanka dropped her pencil on the way in and had to bend over to pick it up.
“Yes, Diddums? How can I help the most powerful and sexy man in the free world,” Ivanka asked.
John Kelly tamped down a vomit impulse, and several aides could be seen gagging and coughing.
“Vanky my baby, you’re always honest with Diddums, right? You’d never lie to your dear old daddy-lover would you,” Trump asked, a lilt in his voice only heard when addressing his first born daughter.
Ivanka smiled back at her father.
“Would I keep enabling your protofacsism otherwise, Daddy? Of course I’m honest with you, always,” Ivanka said.
But her father wanted to test her honesty.
“Forgive me, but I must test your honesty,” Trump said. Taking Ivanka’s hand in his, he continued, “So, tell me, who is the best president of our lifetimes with the highest approval ratings ever in the history of things?
Just then, Melania Trump was walking by the Oval Office and happened to hear her husband’s query to his daughter.
“Barack Obama,” Melania said out loud, toward the door.
“WASN’T TALKING TO YOU, NOT IVANKA,” Trump shouted at his wife, who turned around and gave him the finger as she farted, extremely loudly.
Without batting an eyelash Ivanka answered her father’s question.
“It’s you, Daddy! It’s you,” Ivanka said. “You’re the best everything! Literally everything.”
This made Trump happy to hear.’
“That makes me happy to hear, Ivanka my darling,” Trump said. “Now, one more question. Are you into Bigfoot, or hopefully, Small Hand porn? I’m not asking for me! I’m asking for a friend.”
“An orange, incompetent, vulgar, moron of a friend,” Trump said.
This is a developing story.