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Monday, June 5, 2023

Trump Jr Wonders If Biden Can Snort a 3AM Adderall Bump in an Emergency

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — In American politics, a question gets asked about the fitness of just about any presidential candidate. Can they answer an early morning phone call and snap into action? In other words, when the pressure its highest and preparation its least possible, can a candidate be a leader and guide the country effectively in a crisis?

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This year’s presidential contest pits two men in their mid-70’s against each other, so questions of each one’s fitness to serve should have been anticipated by anyone remotely following politics. Both President Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden have surrogates in the media willing to attach each other’s mental and physical acuity heading in the general election this fall, but the president’s third-smartest son, and his namesake, waded into the subject all by his lonesome recently.

Donald Trump Jr. recently wondered if Biden can “wake up at 3am” and take a call about an emergent situation.

Clearly, Mr. Trump was implying that only his father is capable of handling such a situation, but this morning while speaking to a conservative talk radio host, Donald Jr. explained himself even further.

“Chip, the left-wing, Democrat press won’t tell you this, but my father, Donald Trump, is the most prepared man in the history of the presidency,” Donald Trump Jr. told Chip Chatterly on W-KKK AM today. “That’s because his bottle of adderall is never that far from him, and when duty calls, Daddy crushes those pills, chops ’em into a neat, fat line, and snorts it all up into his glorious, handsome face. He does all that for the American people, too, Chip. Out of the goodness of his own heart!”

Trump Jr. questioned whether Biden would be able to do the same thing as his father “in crunch time.”

“What every American needs to ask themselves right now is whether they think Joe Biden can do a fat rail of Adderall at 3am when the country needs him high as a fucking kite,” Trump Jr. implored the radio audience. “You have to wonder just what Biden would do in a crisis. Would he make it all about himself? Would he try to blame only Republicans for his own mistakes? If not, just what the hell kind of president WOULD he be, Chip?”

Mr. Trump took the time to also give an update on his girlfriend’s current medical condition. As we reported last week, Kimberly Guilfoyle’s mouth was stuck permanently agape after her quizzical, ranting speech during the 2020 Republican Nationalist Convention.

According to Dr. Benson Hornaydieux of the Washington Medical Group, former Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle may need an emergency procedure done to put her jaw back into its proper place. Ms. Guilfoyle, whose time in the public eye has included a marriage to prominent Democrat Governor Gavin Newsom of California, a Fox News Islamaphobia expert, and now as Trump Jr’s girlfriend. Last night, Guilfoyle delivered an angry rant in front of a virtual audience watching the 2020 RNC, and ended her speech in a triumphant pose, mouth agape, and her hands and arms outstretched.

“We’ve all heard our mothers warn us not to make that face or it’ll get stuck like that,” Dr. Hornaydieux said, “and I’m sure most of us have laughed off that warning because it doesn’t have any basis in science or medicine. It looks like we all might have been very, very wrong about that.” (AltFacts)

“Kim’s doing great, Chip! Thanks for asking,” Donald Jr. said, “Why, just this morning, she was dictating talking points to the Boogaloos, Proud Boys, and the klan. She’s back at it. A real warrior.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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