WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources within the White House are reporting that President Trump is growing increasingly paranoid about attempts to subvert his presidency, and as such has issued an executive order directing a boycott of KFC for the rest of his tenure in office.
“I keep hearing all about these attempted coups,” Trump said while he signed the order, “and they could be coming from anywhere, I’m told. The Deep State, for instance, is attempting a coup on me. And I’ve heard the Black Who Shall Not Be Named is going around to different countries now, and that is prolly a coup too. But this order is about covering all my bases, just in case.”
The president has generally been viewed as a fan of KFC, having had his picture taken while eating a bucket of their chicken on more than one occasion. However, Trump said despite his “deep, abiding, almost Ivanka levels of horniness and love” he has for the fried chicken, he cannot be too cautious and must protect his presidential administration from constitutional crisis.
“So I’m directing the executive branch of this government to not use KFC for any catering, and I’m ordering all employees of my administration to never buy or think about KFC again,” Trump said. “I am not happy about this. I love KFC. I use the gravy from the mashed potates as jack-lube guys. But I will not be taken down by a coup of any kind. Not a deep state coup, and not a chicken coup!”
Trump briefly considered also boycotting Chick-Fil-A, but his press secretary convinced him otherwise.
“Sarah said to me that not all chicken coups are the same, and that apparently the rubes — I mean suckers — I mean fools — I mean dumbfucks — I mean my base really loves Chick-Fil-A,” Trump said, “and when your approval numbers are as deep in the toilet as mine are well, Bing-Bang-Boom, yay Chick-Fil-A!”
Colonel Sanders, in response, positioned his forces just across the Potomac and had his gravy cannons fired in the general direction of Capital Hill. The country’s second civil war may have indeed started that day. Ken Burns is set to air a documentary on the Trump/Sanders Conflagration in the fall of 2025.