Trump Orders Kobach To Investigate How Many Trillions Of Illegal Mexicans Voted For Doug Jones

"I am positive I saw at least a trillion Mexicans dancing in the street celebrating last night."

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, President Trump took to Twitter and told the country, essentially, “I told you so,” about defeated Republican Judge Roy Moore. Mr. Moore lost his Senate bid last night to Doug Jones, a Democrat, in Alabama. The special election was being held to determine who would hold Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ old seat, which he vacated when he was confirmed as the nation’s top lawyer.

A few hours later, Trump tweeted again about the election. Mr. Trump had taken the extraordinary step of weighing-in on an election as a sitting president. He had campaigned hard for Moore in the final days, but alas, Jones bested Trump’s candidate by a thin, but automatic recount-proof margin. Surprising many, Trump has — publicly, at least — not insinuated any conspiracies or fraud were at play.

Sources close to the president are reporting at the time of publication, however, that privately Mr. Trump is concerned that “trillions of illegal Mexicans” may have swayed the election in Jones’ favor.

“I’ve been saying this is why we need extreme vetting, but most important my bigly, beautiful wall,” Trump was overheard telling Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who was taking shots of gravy and bourbon. “Because how are we to ever know how many trillions of illegal Mexicans voted for Jones last night, Sarah?”

Huckabee just shrugged and kept on chugging the gravy/bourbon shots.

“Kellyanne, I want you to get Kris Kobach on the line. I need his voter suppression planning committee — excuse me — his, voter fraud investigation commission, to get to the bottom of this,” Trump barked at Kellyanne Conway. “And I don’t care if you have to dial every number on our microwaves twice. I will not have another Bowling Green on my watch, Kellyanne. DO YOU HEAR ME?! NOT ON MY WATCH!”

Conway nodded her head and pressed a small button she keeps in her pocket. The button is wired to transmit a signal to White House staff, initiating a top secret, but vital national security protocol. Within moments, six buckets of KFC and a crate of Diet Coke arrived in the Oval Office.

“Sir, your emergency recharge fuel is here,” Conway said, sensing the anxiety and tension rising in Trump. “If you’ll take a moment and eat, I think you’ll have a clear head on this issue again.”

Trump looked the buckets of fried chicken and licked his lips.

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“I think you’re right,” Trump told Conway. He began diving into the buckets of Extra Tasty Crispy, shredding them with his false teeth, which threatened to come out every so often. “You know shumshing, Kellyanne. Thish country doeshn’t know how good they have it with me.”

Conway stared blankly off into the distance, wondering what life would have been like if she hadn’t sold her soul to the Republican Party last year.

“Yes sir, you are right,” Conway said in a flat monotone.

Trump smiled.

“I’m glad you think so,” Trump said. “I’m calm now. I still want Kobach to investigate, because I am positive I saw at least a trillion Mexicans dancing in the street celebrating last night. But I’m also ready to go do some real work, Kellyanne.”

Conway grabbed a folder of top priority items. Was this finally the moment Trump would start working as a president, and not a reality-TV attention whore? Dare she dream to believe?

“Let’s head out to the golf course, everyone. My handicap is not going to lower itself on its own,” Trump said. “Grab some petty cash too. I need a drive time snack, and there’s a KFC on the way.”

This story is developing.

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