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Saturday, June 3, 2023

Trump Threatens to Throw His Bone Spurs at Mattis

WASHINGTON, D.C. — It’s a feud perhaps no one on the Hill thought would ever go public, because one of the combatants is notoriously tight-lipped. However, there’s no mistaking that there’s quite a row brewing between former Secretary of Defense Gen. James “Mad Dog” Mattis and his old boss, President Donald “Dog Shit” Trump, and it’s gotten, to borrow a phrase from the commander in chief, quite nasty.

Yesterday, the president tweeted a swipe at Mattis after the former SecDef absolutely blistered Trump. In a statement first published by The AtlanticMattis — who notably did not raise any of his concerns about Trump’s leadership capabilities when he worked for him — assailed Trump’s response to the unrest that has sprung up all over America in response to the murder of an unarmed black man by four police in Minneapolis. Mattis seemed to find himself in a position to no longer pull any punches, however, and he pummelled Trump over and again.

Donald Trump is the first president in my lifetime who does not try to unite the American people—does not even pretend to try. Instead he tries to divide us. We are witnessing the consequences of three years of this deliberate effort. We are witnessing the consequences of three years without mature leadership. We can unite without him, drawing on the strengths inherent in our civil society. This will not be easy, as the past few days have shown, but we owe it to our fellow citizens; to past generations that bled to defend our promise; and to our children. (James Mattis via The Atlantic)

Perhaps unsurprisingly, it didn’t take even a full day for the president to respond to Mattis via Twitter. White House Press Secretary Barbie McEnany said that the “president wasn’t really doing much besides arts and crafts time anyway,” and decided he might as well “fire off some nastygrams to the former Secretary of Defense.”

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Trump, a man who very famously took several deferments from the Vietnam draft, slammed Mattis as “the world’s most overrated General” and that he “asked for his letter of resignation & felt great about it.” He even took credit for changing Mattis’ nickname from “Chaos” to “Mad Dog.”

But obviously the president wasn’t done raking Mattis over the coals. When he came out onto the White House lawn to stretch his legs and “blast a few post-breakfast toots” this afternoon, Trump launched into another verbal salvo against Mattis. At times, Trump seemed to be emotional to the point of tears. While it’s unclear whether he was crying from anger, sadness or joy, he was definitely farting out of an abundance of Mcnugget gas.

“And let me just say this, let me just say this. Excuse me, excuse me,” Trump argued with reporters, “let me just say this. If that sonofabitch isn’t careful, he’s gonna unleash Angry Donny! And angry Donny does not play nicely, folks. Oh, no, Angry Donny’s been known to fuck some shit up, I tell you what.”

Reporters asked Trump what specifically he was threatening Mattis with.

“I’ll throw my goddamn bone spurs at him, that’s what I’ll do,” Trump boasted. “I’ll hit him with everything I don’t got! Everyone wants to talk about how tough Mattis is? Fuck that! I’ve had to tell Vlad that I can’t have him over for a July 4th barbecue! You have any idea how brave that is?!”

General Mattis released a brief statement in response.

“I don’t make it a habit of talking to my shits. I just flush them,” Mattis said.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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