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Thursday, June 1, 2023

Trump Says His First Lady Is ‘Way, Way, Way Hotter’ Than Meghan Markle

LONDON, ENGLAND — President Donald Trump’s state visit to the United Kingdom is already off to a fairly rocky start. In the early morning hours, the president blasted London’s mayor on Twitter, likely in response to an op-ed written by Mayor Sadiq Khan, in which Khan pulled no punches of his criticism of Trump, especially as it relates to Trump’s comments about Duchess Meghan Markle being “nasty.”

Though Trump has tried to distance himself from the on the record comments about Markle, comments that were caught on tape, he focused more energy on attacking Khan with his Twitter account.

Mr. Trump had occasion to insult Duchess Markle when he was asked a question about comments she made about him in the run up to the 2016 presidential election. Trump indicated that he thought Markle, or the words she chose, were “nasty.”

Speaking on “The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore” in 2016, Markle called Trump misogynistic and said his politics are divisive, saying she would move to Canada if he won the presidency.
Trump responded, “I didn’t know that she was nasty. I hope she is OK. …” He seemed to bury the hatchet saying, “I am sure she will go excellently (as a royal). She will be very good.” Buckingham Palace had no comment on Trump’s interview regarding Markle. (CNN)

Since, however, Mr. Trump has tried to indicate that the reports of his comments were “fake news,” even though recordings exist and multiple witnesses were in the room.

In a new twist to the ongoing saga, President Trump used the first day of his visit to the UK to insult Markle again. This time, he said he doesn’t “see what all the fuss about” Duchess Markle is and he said she’s “nowhere near as hot” as his First Lady. It’s unclear what he meant by “fuss,” but it’s obvious he doesn’t think very fondly of her.

“I don’t want to be a jerk, but then again, when have I ever not been one? But anyway, let me just say I want to put all this nastiness with me and Meghan Markle behind us,” Trump told reporters as he came out of Buckingham Palace today. “All I’m saying is that my First Lady is way hotter and not at all nasty to me. Well, okay, she’s nasty, but in the good way, know what I mean?”

Trump spent several seconds winking into the camera.

“My First Lady is so hot. Way, way, way hotter than Markle, okay? I don’t even think the comparison is fair. To Meghan I mean,” Trump insisted. “My First Lady has it all. Looks and that trademark Trump intellect. You know, the bigly best intellect! The intellect that gives you permission to stare at eclipses and bankrupt casinos so terribly you lose so much money you don’t pay taxes for ten years!”

President Trump suggested that has much as he “doesn’t care for” Markle, there is a way, he believes, to “move past and squash all this meanness” between them.

“I say we settle this the only way that’s fair, and we have Meghan and my First Lady wrestle in a kiddie pool filled with Jell-o,” Trump said. “But I’m not too picky. Maybe pudding. Maybe KY lube. Just, get them in bikinis — or naked, again, I’m not picky, fam — and get them to wrestle around with each other. Maybe I have a bucket of KFC in my lap, covering the TOTALLY NORMALLY SHAPED AND SIZED TURGIDITY IN MY PANTS. I don’t know, who’s to say? We’ll play it by ear.”

Mr. Trump pulled out his phone and dialed a number.

“Ivanka? Vanky Baby? Hi! It’s me. Yes, your one true love,” Trump said. “Hey, I was wondering, Vanky, do you have some Jell-o or some pudding you could fly out here to Merry Old Englandshiredale? I have a favor to ask of you, Vanky.”

This story is developing.

Another Story: Economists Predict Medicare For All Could Be Funded For 400 Years By Charging $1 To Punch Mitch McConnell In The Face

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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