FART-A LOT-GO, FLORIDUH — The U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team finished the tournament played during the Summer Olympics in Tokyo with a bronze medal. The team, which has dominated the international stage for years, finished third after a some unexpected and disappointing — but hard-fought — losses. They remain one of the highest-ranked teams in history, despite two teams finishing ahead of them.
However, one rotund, pathetic loser who has never won the most votes in any election he’s been a part of, felt the need to mock and ridicule the USWNT’s bronze medal effort. Showing his trademark extreme love of the United States, former, one-term, twice forever impeached President Donald Trump, who is incapable of even spelling “soccer,” much less playing it for more than 20 seconds without having to take a Big Mac break, lashed out at the team, blaming the team’s disappointing finish on their “woke” political demonstrations.
Trump accused the team of being “headed by a radical group of Leftist Maniacs” because during the national anthem, played before each match, several team members have been protesting police brutality by kneeling. That act, which has become commonplace among professional and elite athletes who which to signal their support for the Black Lives Matter movement, has rankled American white nationalist conservatives for years.
Mr. Trump’s sport of choice is golfing, however he also has been known to enjoy competitive eating contests. Trump has not been seen any time in the last five decades of his life participating in any activity that would remotely rise to the level of conditioning and athleticism that Olympians have to meet. Despite that, though, he still felt compelled to bash the USWNT for their bronze finish.
There were twelve teams competing in this year’s women’s soccer tournament at the Tokyo Summer Games. The U.S. team finished better than 75% of the other teams. Ironically, Trump’s blood stream is 75% pork fat and Twinkie cream. It should be noted that despite Trump and the right’s mockery, the USWNT knelt for the anthem before the games they won during a historic win streak.
In a passage that experts in the field of irony say could threaten the world’s supply, Trump — who has something on his head that is not technically hair — mocked star player Megan Rapinoe for her purple, dyed hair. Trump accused Rapinoe of caring more about “Radical Left policies” than winning.
Trump, who only won the presidency thanks to a loophole that allows losers to be winners, shamelessly heckled the women’s soccer team for not being able to win more games. The team, perhaps unexpectedly, issued a short statement in response to Trump celebrating their defeat.
“We were mistakenly under the impression that a man who just lost an election and his insurrection would have sympathy for a team that also loses something they really wanted to win,” the team wrote. “However, we’d like to bury the hatchet and invite the former president to our practice facility to show us his own skills on the pitch. Fair warning though, he’d have to climb a set of stairs once he got here, and we all know how frightening that is to him.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.