Trump Promises To Disband NASA If They Don’t Bring Back Cheese From New Moon Expedition

"Trust me on this just like you trusted me that Trump Steaks were real cow and not chunks of Mike Huckabee's ass."

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, President Donald Trump signed an order directing NASA to plan a flight to the moon that will carry astronauts for the first time since the Apollo program ended in 1972.

Per the BBC, Trump directed the country’s space program to partner with private industry to “focus on long-term explorations” of the Moon. NASA will partner with private companies to find ways of using the resources on the Moon’s surface. However, funding questions remain.

Correspondents say any realistic effort will probably need Congress to agree to a big funding boost. There is bipartisan support for further space exploration but parties disagree over the timeline and budget. (BBC)

This morning, as he was taking his 11:00 am Twitter feud break and McDonald’s run, President Trump told the press pool staked out in front of the White House that he had an idea he planned to pitch to Congress. Trump’s idea would fund the renewed Moon program and more, he says. Trump’s funding idea is also a marriage of the private and public sectors, he said.

“This is real simple folks. I thought about it this morning on the john, during my usual early morning squeeger and Tweet-rage,” Trump said. “All NASA has to do is bring back enough of that sweet, sweet moon cheese, and we can sell it at a bigly profit.”

More: Tilapia Lahren Wants NASA To Rename Black Holes Because ‘All Holes Matter’

President Trump believes that the Richard Nixon administration discovered the existence of Moon cheese but hid it from the public view in the interest of “national security.” Trump says though he’s not found any evidence to support that particular hypothesis, he believes it “with the same passion and fervor [he] believes Obama was born in Kenya and programmed by George Soros to wiretap” him.

“It really makes a lot of sense if you think about it, or rather, don’t think about it. At all,” Trump said.”

Mr. Trump is hoping to avoid any delays by fast tracking the sale of Moon cheese through a subsidiary of a new company he says he has nothing to do with.

“Shump Shmenterprises will be a brand new company that I have absolutely nothing to do with whatsoever and you can trust me on this just like you trusted me that Trump Steaks were real cow and not chunks of Mike Huckabee’s ass that we’d carve off and ship to people in freeze-dried packages,” Trump said.

President Trump intimated that if NASA fails to bring back enough Moon cheese, he will de-fund it entirely.

“If those space nerds can’t make it profitable to explore the final frontier, we will shut them completely down and sell off all their geeky shit to the highest bidder, prolly Russia, who knows,” Trump said.

Reached for comment, Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson gave a simple reply.

“That motherfucker needs science,” Tyson said.

Mr. Trump, mistaking Dr. Tyson for his own Housing and Urban Development Secretary Dr. Ben Carson, issued a harsh rebuke.

“Someone better tell Ben Carson to watch his uppity Urban mouth,” Trump later tweeted. “I may not be a D-List reality-TV star anymore, but I still remember my catchphrase. And I am not afraid to say to Ben Carson, ‘You’re the next…AMERICAN IDOL.'”

This story is developing.


You can read more satire just like this every day on Alternative Facts and The Political Garbage Chute.

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