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Monday, June 5, 2023

President Trump Orders Different Color Crayon For Drafting Fourth Muslim Ban

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rather than fight the lower courts who, for the third time, blocked his Muslim ban, President Donald Trump has intimated he’ll be signing another attempt at the order very soon. Now, leaks out of the White House indicate the legal strategy he and his administration used to formulate the next draft of their ban.

“The president believes that a substantial part of what was wrong with the first orders can be addressed with a new draft of it,” a top Trump aide told us on condition of anonymity and WalMart gift cards, “and this time he’s going to use a black crayon to write the order in, instead of his favorite color, orange.”

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The aide said that the initial ban was written in orange crayon because when the black crayon was offered to Trump he recoiled.

“Don’t you think we’ve had enough black in the White House for the last eight years,” Trump reportedly laughed and nudged former adviser Steve Bannon, who quit the administration in September, and Bannon roared in laughter as he reared back his head. Flames and a sulfurous cloud bellowed forth from Bannon’s gaping maw, and the fires of Hell could be heard roaring in the distance as he laughed at Trump’s racially charged joke.

There is a concern that the supply of crayons in the White House are “far too large,” our source tells us. They were not referring to the number, but rather the literal size of the crayons.

“These are the size crayons that toddlers use when their parents go out to eat and the server brings crayons to the table,” our source said, “so obviously they’re way too big for the sub-president’s hands. We’re looking into smaller crayons, or perhaps just cutting the crayons in half, if we can find a good black one.”

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If a suitable black crayon cannot be found, Trump might try dark blue, purple, or even forest green.

“President Trump just wants to get this Muslim ban thing taken care of,” the aide said, “as quickly as possible. He’s really overwhelmed right now, and he told us other day he’s ready to tap out, but Kellyanne Conway said he couldn’t quit until the fourth horsemen had found his trusty steed. I don’t know what that means, really, but that’s what I heard.”

This is a developing story.


James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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