OSLO, NORWAY — The very first Nobel Prize in the fields of “racism, race baiting, and race-based fear mongering” will be awarded later this year, and there is reportedly one man who is a virtual shoe-in to be its inaugural winner — President Donald J. Trump.
“We are here today to announce the nominees for the first ever Nobel Prize in racism, race baiting, and race-based fear mongering,” Nobel Institute Deputy Media Liaison Nils Lundergrafft told reporters today. “Well, in all fairness there is only one nominee at this time, and we don’t expect we’ll get any that will be more qualified by the time we hand him the award. It’s President Donald Trump, of course.”
Lundergrafft said that the Nobel Institute’s board of directors decided to create a new category and give it to Trump “on the off-chance legitimately winning something for once in his life” would improve is mood and demeanor.
“Ironically, we’re hoping that if we wins this award that recognizes his achievements in racism, that he’ll calm down and maybe be less racist,” Lundergrafft explained. “We know, it’s a longshot, but at this point we’re willing to try anything. This is a man who values his ego and pride more than anything; more than his kids, more than his wives, maybe even more than his money. And there can be really no denying that in the world today, there is no more prevalent, dedicated, hard working, or devoted racist like Donald J. Trump.”
When considering who to nominate for the award, Lundergrafft says that it quickly became apparent that no one else would come close to matching Trump’s efforts in the field of racism.
“The truth is we could have given him the award in 2015 when he stood in front of the entire country, after he rode down that escalator, and implied that the majority of Mexicans are rapists, murderers, or drug dealers,” Lundergrafft said, “and then there was the whole ‘good people on both sides’ thing where he tried to make white supremacists feel okay about being white supremacists. Or there was last year when he made that shithole countries comment, but this summer he’s really stepped up his racist rhetoric in a truly undeniable way.”
Mr. Lundergrafft says that when Trump started attacking “The Squad,” four young women of color who are freshmen Democratic congresswomen, it “sealed the deal” for his Nobel Prize in racism.
“It’s 2019 and that dude is out there at a podium in front of a few thousand angry white folks screaming that a brown woman should be sent back to her home country because she criticized him and his policies,” Lundergrafft told reporters. “The only way his rallies could be more racist is if they lynched someone and burned a few thousand copies of Hillary’s book or something.”
President Trump is reportedly “bigly honored” by the prize.
“As you know, I am entitled to win every prize and every award while I am president,” Trump told the White House press pool in the Oval Office upon hearing the news of his nomination. “But, without any doubt in my mind, this is one of my bigliest achievements. Because you see, I’m not racist! There’s not a racist bone in my body! I just say and do things that sound like racists say and do, but that doesn’t mean I’m a racist. Even though I totally think white people are better than brown people, I’m not racist. So the point is that to win an award for racism when you’re clearly the most non-racist person ever? That’s a yooge accomplishment.”
Trump lifted a leg and farted. He looked reflexively for Sarah Huckabee Sanders so he could blame it on her as he had gotten so used to doing for the last couple of years. Instead, he stuffed his hands down the back of his pants for a second or two, pulled it out again, and then sniffed the remnants of his rectal gas.
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go try to track down the nice men I paid to find Previous Black Administration’s real birth certificate,” Trump said. “I want him to try and track down Kamala Harris’s too. Just in case, you know.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”