WASHINGTON, D.C. — It is illegal for anyone to attempt to cast more than one ballot in a federal election, but that hasn’t stopped President Donald Trump from encouraging the people of North Carolina to give it a shot anyway. On multiple occasions this week, the President of the United States of America, a man who professes a deep, abiding love for the concepts of “law and order,” has encouraged his supporters to break the law and cast more than one ballot in North Carolina this fall.
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As reported this week by CNN, Trump, when asked about whether he thinks North Carolina’s voting system is something he has confidence in, he balked, and seemed to suggest that people in the state should cast more than one ballot if they’re unsure their absentee ballot wasn’t counted. Multiple state and federal agencies have reiterated that even attempting to vote more than once is a crime.
“Well, they’ll go out and they’ll go vote, and they’re going to have to go and check their vote by going to the poll and voting that way, because if it tabulates, then they won’t be able to do that,” Trump said on the tarmac in front of Air Force One. “So, let them send it in, and let them go vote, and if the system is as good as they say it is, then obviously they won’t be able to vote. If it isn’t tabulated, they won’t be able to vote. So that’s the way it is. And that’s what they should do.” (CNN)
White House Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick didn’t attempt to distance the president from his own remarks, either. During a press conference recently, when she was asked about the president’s comments about North Carolina, McDitzydick became combative with the reporters in the room, and insisted that President Trump does not support illegal attempts to vote, despite literally encouraging people to illegally attempt to vote more than once.
“The president does not condone unlawful voting,” McEnany said to reporters during a White House briefing. “The president’s been very clear about this.” (PBS)
It would appear that the president is so unworried about giving potentially illegal advice to his supporters that he once more suggested they attempt to vote more than once. Except now, he’s suggesting that North Carolina Republicans should consider voting even more than twice. While pacing around the White House lawn and “farting out the fried chicken” he had for breakfast, Mr. Trump told reporters he thinks if someone is a Republican living in North Carolina, that they should “consider voting every single day” between now and Election Day.
“Look, look, me just say this, okay? I’m not worried about what’s so-called legal or illegal. Billy Barr has made it very clear to me if I want to do it, it’s legal, period,” Trump insisted, some farts still escaping his rectum as he did. “So, that being said, I think if my people in North Carolina, and you know who I’m talking about; you know my people. The good ones. The ones of a certain, shall we say, rural, not-URBAN, pigmentation level. They should vote every single day between now and November 3rd if they’re not sure their vote will be counted, and considering that any vote not cast for me is fraud, well, they’ve gotta do what they gotta do to make sure I win, or this country will look exactly like it does now, I’m telling you.”
When one reporter asked the president if he thinks it’s “a bit contradictory” to say he’s in favor of law and order, and then to encourage thousands of his supporters to brazenly and flagrantly break the law, Trump shouted so hard sixteen rapid fire farts came out of his butt hole at once.
“How dare you? What a stupid question. You’re very stupid, you know, and I am in no way projecting, because check it out: PERSON. MAN. WOMAN. CAMERA. TV. Suck it,” Trump said. “How dare you ask me a mean and nasty question that requires critical thinking! So rude and nasty. Let me just tell you, prick, I’m so much in favor of law and order that I am telling people to commit voter fraud so I can prove to them that voter fraud is real! FUCKING DUH.”
Trump ran back into the White House, tears streaming down his face, and farts streaming out of his rectal cavity.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.