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Monday, June 5, 2023

Trump: “I Didn’t Consider Nuking Hurricanes Because Everyone Knows You Nuke Tornadoes”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This past weekend, Axios published a story that suggested President Donald Trump has on multiple occasions suggested to his advisers that the United States should seriously consider attacking hurricanes with nuclear weapons. 

During one hurricane briefing at the White House, Trump said, “I got it. I got it. Why don’t we nuke them?” according to one source who was there. “They start forming off the coast of Africa, as they’re moving across the Atlantic, we drop a bomb inside the eye of the hurricane and it disrupts it. Why can’t we do that?” the source added, paraphrasing the president’s remarks. (Axios)

Axios further reported the concept of using nuclear bombs to dissipate storms was originally floated by a government scientist during the Eisenhower administration. However, this morning on Twitter the president denied the report and called it “more FAKE NEWS.” Axios and their reporter have stood by the story thus far.

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In the Oval Office today, Mr. Trump was asked about the situation. He continued to deny the accuracy of the story published by Axios. He did, however, say he wasn’t willing to take any measures off the table, should the United States need to stop a weather event of some kind or face dire consequences.

“First of off, no. Of course not. There’s no way I’d authorize a nuclear strike on a hurricane. That’s crazy-talk fake news, folks,” Trump insisted. “It never even crossed my mind. I didn’t consider nuking hurricanes because everyone knows you nuke tornadoes. Hurricanes have too much water, and you can’t get nukes wet. Everyone knows that, duh!”

President Trump then explained the hierarchy of ordinance used to end natural disasters prematurely.

“You nuke tornadoes, you carpet bomb earthquakes, and you send in S.E.A.L. Team 6 to take out hurricanes,” Trump said. “I may be a shoot from my hip kinda guy, but even I understand those things. I would never use a nuke when we have the S.E.A.L. teams that can do the job much more quietly and efficiently!”

Reportedly, Trump has gotten another organization involved in planning the military response to more potential weather-related calamities.

“I’ve asked the Weather Channel to come in and help provide us with the best tactical maps that they can,” Trump announced, “because they’re the ones with the boots on the ground. They’re the ones who know where our enemy will strike next. And yes, I’m saying that Mother Nature is our enemy. If she’s going to attack us with hurricanes and typhoons and stuff, then we’re going to hit Mother Nature with every weapon in our arsenal!”

Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) told reporters this morning that he thinks attacking weather events with the might of the U.S. armed forces “sounds really, really cool.”

“I mean, don’t y’all think bombs and blowin’ stuff is cool? I sure do,” Graham said, adding, “and I know my good friend John McCain wishes he was here to hear this president finally talking about stuff that would make ol’ John’s groins tighten so damn fast — bombing stuff.”

National Security Adviser John Bolton, ever hawkish on the premise of any use of military force, shocked reporters when he said he was flatly against bombing any natural disaster.

“Until I find out hurricanes have oil, of course,” Bolton conceded. “Then, all bets are off, and it’s time to invade.”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi told reporters she’s “shocked, concerned, and outraged” by the report. However, she’s not “in any position to take action.”

“As a Democrat, doing stuff is much harder than saying we should do stuff. Besides, we have to ask ourselves if the American people put us in a position to hold him accountable and expected us to actually follow through on that,” Pelosi said, “and so I’ve commissioned sixteen opinion polls on the subject. If a substantial plurality of the narrow group of Americans that were asked says they’re semi-okay with my doing anything about this president’s reckless behavior, I will. Until then, please hear how much my hands are wringing and see how furtively I’ve furrowed my brow, because that’s all you get right now.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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