WASHINGTON, D.C. — There is quite a lot of work to be done when your presidential administration is coming to a close. Staffers and political allies alike often come looking for help securing their future employment. This morning, word spread around the Hill that Congressman Devin Nunes (R-Moscow) is going to leave the House of Representatives soon, and surprisingly he’s looking to move into an entirely new line of work in the adult film industry.
And none other than President Donald J. Trump has agreed to make one of his final acts in the Oval Office helping Nunes get the job he wants so badly.
This outlet has obtained a copy of the recommendation letter President Trump wrote on behalf of Rep. Nunes, at his behest. What follows is a transcription of that letter from its original crayon scrawling into a digital format. Nothing else was altered or modified from the original content of the letter.
To Whoever Gives a Shit,
I’m writing on behalf of Devin Noons, or whatever, okay? You should perk up and pay attention because this isn’t some bullshit reckimdation letter from some boring son of a bitch. This Donald John Fucking Trump, 45th President of the United States. You may have heard of me. I won over Crooked H in 2016 back when elections weren’t rigged in ways that made them look no different than any other election would in the middle of a pandemic. Huge landslide. Over 300 Electoral College votes.
Sleepy Joe only got 306. I’m told that’s technically the same I got except mine was more. You’ll have to ask the calculator nerds how the fuck that one works, but I believe them. I mean, I pay them enough, I better believe what they tell me, know what I mean?
That was a very funny joke and you goddamn BETTER be laughing.
Anyway, I’m the president. Maybe for less than thirty more days, we’ll see. Let’s just say it all depends on how much I feel like continuing to fleece my gullible, stupid, racist, idiot death cult followers. I literally can’t be and won’t be president soon, but what’s the harm in squeezing a few more million bucks outta people in the middle of a pandemic I used to pretend to give a fuck about, anynow?
The point I’m making is you should definitely know who I am. I’m very, very, very VIP. All I’m sayin’ is imagine the level of puss I can grab NOW. I can tell the broads about how I used to have the nuke codes and shit. They’ll do me so hard, I bet!
I think I did a great job. Better than that black guy before me, I bet you’d say. I mean..the guy was BLACK. LOL! Imagine that. In AMERICA? Forget it. Stupid.
Sleepy Joe won’t do half as good as I did on the days where I shat out my McNugget diarrhea and tweeted. Sure, he’ll have three years’ worth of days to try, but whatever.
Okay. I have to go now.
(Forever) President DJ Trump
P.S. My goddamn idiot homewrecking son-in-law just reminded me that I need to also tell you how good I know Devin Noons will be at fluffing. Honestly, I don’t know about him fluffing; I’ve never seen him do laundry. Suckin’ dick on the other hand, that I can vouch for.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.Like what you read? Consider becoming a paid Facebook subscriber, or signing up for my Patreon.