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Wednesday, May 31, 2023

President Trump Overheard Practicing National Anthem

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Walking onto the field to hearty boos, last night, President Donald Trump attended the NCAA college football championship game in Atlanta, and before the game’s kickoff he took part in the National Anthem ceremony with members of the armed forces. In recent weeks and months, Trump has used his presidential bully pulpit to attack players in the NFL and other sports leagues that protest police brutality by kneeling during the anthem. Just hours before he appeared in Atlanta at the game, Trump spoke to the Farm Bureau and he mentioned respect for the anthem and the flag of the United States.

However, when his chance to sing the anthem on a national stage came, Mr. Trump seemed to have difficulty with the words. Some have defended Mr. Trump by saying he’s hard of hearing and it’s loud on the field in those situations, while others have not cut the president any slack. Sources close to the White House are reporting at this time, though, that Trump has already begun a rehearsal regimen that he hopes will keep him from even appearing to bungle the anthem’s words again.

“We’ve been hearing him in the Oval Office, singing the anthem non-stop every since he started work today,” one source told us. “So, about 11 o’clock. And he said he plans on working on the song’s lyrics his entire six or seven hour work day. For him, that’s a hell of a lot of commitment to something that isn’t tweeting or staring at lingerie photos of his First Lady Ivanka.”

Though our contacts in the administration say Trump’s anthem practice has gone well enough for now, they indicate the rehearsal has not been without its own unique challenges.

“Oh my God, there are so many words to learn and memorize! ISN’T THERE A SHORTER VERSION,” Trump screamed from inside the Oval Office. “I was bad enough at the American language one, but I can’t even read this alphabet! What’s with all the hooks and shit in the letters? Looks like one of my kids video games like Frogman or Pac-Er or whatever!”

In order to help President Trump with the lyrics, a special coach was hired and brought into the White House.

“Our newest hire, Mr. Joey Putin-Smith, has offered to teach the president the right words to the anthem he’s supposed to be singing and forcing all Americans to sing as well,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters later in the day. “And we think he’s making great progress.”

President Trump is looking forward to the next big athletic event in which he’ll be able to demonstrate his improved knowledge of his national anthem.

“Unfortunately with all the Russians banned from the Winter Olympics, he may not get a chance to sing the anthem for awhile,” Huckabee said. “But he’ll find some way to pay homage to the people who really got him where he’s at today, one way or другой.”

This story is developing.

You can read satire like this every day on The Pastiche Post and Political Garbage Chute.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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