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Monday, June 5, 2023

Trump: “I Didn’t Want to Panic Everyone About the Virus Until I Knew If It Had Brown Skin!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House in recent hours has trotted out a new line of defense for President Trump, namely that he lied to the American people about the deadliness of COVID-19 to keep from panicking them.

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The president and his surrogates, without being able to deny Trump said the things he’s on audio recordings saying to journalist Bob Woodward, have attempted to paint his lies to the public about the coronavirus as being born of caution for the psyche and common health of the electorate. President Trump didn’t want to spook the public back in February, so that’s why he kept holding rallies for thousands of people, even after he knew how deadly the virus was, at least according to him and the people paid to say things for him. Whether or not that particular line of defense will gain any traction with voters is still yet to be seen, however shortly after concluding this afternoon’s press briefing, Trump said he “didn’t want to panic everyone” about COVID-19 until he found out some “very important facts” about it first.

“Look, I had  job to do, okay? And part of that job was figuring out when to scare the American people with the facts about the CHINA VIRUS, okay,” Trump said just after stepping away from the podium. “Frankly, I didn’t want to panic everyone about the virus until I knew if it had brown skin!”

President Trump explained away his lying by making an allusion to famous rock bands.

“When a band comes through town, you don’t wanna hear their new stuff! You wanna hear their hits,” Trump insisted. “I’m a guy that likes to play his hits for his audience, know what I mean? One of my hits is racism.”

Trump announced that he’s “most comfortable terrifying MAGAs” with news about MS-13, Black Lives Matter, and “the whole suburb thing.” He wasn’t sure when the outbreak started whether COVID-19 was “white or some non-white variant” and therefore he says he “was very bigly cautious” and wanted to downplay the seriousness of the coronavirus until he knew its race for sure.

“When I look at someone, or something, I can tell if the American people should panic about it,” Trump shouted. “It’s just something you can SEE, really. This isn’t rocket science. Anyhow, if I had been told that COVID-19 was some inner-city youth, an ANTIFA thug, or you know, from some Mexican-ish looking country, then I would have totally tried to make you all panic about it! I do that kinda shit all the time!”

Trump’s new spin comes just a day after the White House had one of its most incoherent messaging days to date. In the morning, Press Secretary McDitzydick categorically denied that the president ever downplayed the virus. By the afternoon, Trump was standing before the American people admitting he’d done exactly that but with the caveat that he did it to keep Americans calm. This forced McDitzydick to try to walk-back her claims, as reported by our sister publication The Political Garbage Chute.

“Right, so here’s the thing – not surprisingly the lamestream media is at again. Whatever it is they said I said, I didn’t say, first of all,” McDitzydick explained with a smug grin on her face. “You know you can trust I’m telling the truth not by Googling and finding unedited, full versions of what I say, but by trusting I’m not lying to you because the big orange dumbfuck in the Oval Office told you to believe me, and this being a death cult you kinda have to believe me, don’t you?” (PGC)

So far, there have been more than 200,000 recorded deaths from complications due to the coronavirus reported in the United States since March. This is the largest number of Americans that have died from any one calamity in the nation’s history, outside of World War II and the Civil War. The general election will be held November 3rd, 2020.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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