MAR-A-LAGO, FLORIDA — The President of the United States held a private, solemn ceremony today, honoring the victims and survivors of the horrific mass shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglass High School in Parkland, Florida.
The moment of silence took place just before President Trump teed off from the fourth hole of the golf course on his luxury resort, which is not very far from where families and loved ones of those who perished in the shooting have begun to hold funerals today. Over the weekend, Trump devoted some time tweeting about the shooting, however his emphasis was more on the FBI’s failure to keep the shooter, a 19-year-old man whose social media accounts showed violence, threats, and support for Mr. Trump’s administration, from carrying out his attack.
Very sad that the FBI missed all of the many signals sent out by the Florida school shooter. This is not acceptable. They are spending too much time trying to prove Russian collusion with the Trump campaign – there is no collusion. Get back to the basics and make us all proud!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 18, 2018
“Folks, before I hit this tee shot, which will probably be the most amazing tee shot you have ever seen in your lives, I want to take a few moments of silence for the victims of the horrific shooting in Parkland last week,” Trump said. “And believe it or not, I’m not talking about myself, although I do think the FAKE NEWS MEDIA has been very unfair to me since the shooting, but what can you do about the lugenpresse, right fam?”
Trump then took of his red baseball cap, exposing the wonder of engineering that he calls his “hair” underneath. The president placed his hat over his heart. He counted to three, cut a juicy fart, and then put his hat back on.
“Okay, that’s good enough, let’s get down to what’s really important,” President Trump said, addressing his teed-up ball. “The most tremendous and bigly tee shot you have ever seen. Ready? 1…2…3…”
With a mighty effort, Trump pulled his club back and swung it through the ball, sending it slicing off and to the left, into an area covered in trees and bushes.
“Fucking cunt-ass ball! That was the ball’s fault, guys, you saw that, you saw how perfectly I hit the ball,” Trump said, stomping his feet. “And that motherfucking bitch-ass ball, ruined my shot for me. God, is there anything, literally anything worse in the whole entire world than your ball ruining your perfect shot?”
Trump took out his smart phone and saw a news alert about the funerals for the shooting victims taking place. Shrugging, he threw his phone into his golf cart, and ordered the Secret Service to tee up another ball for him.
“That first shot doesn’t count, Presidential Mulligan declaration,” Trump said.
Mr. Trump again addressed the ball and smacked it. This time, it went sailing off too far to the right, into a nearby water hazard.
“GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING STUPID ASS BALL! Who bought these goddamned balls? THEY ARE FIRED,” Trump bellowed. “Oh well, I’ll just fix this the way I always fix my problems. Give me my phone, I have a Russian oligarch to call.”