WASHINGTON, D.C. — An outraged and apoplectic President Donald J. Trump lashed out viciously at Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, accusing her of sharing a “phony, fake, doctored video” that he claims was edited in a way to make him seem intelligent.
“How dare she? Does Nancy have any idea how much trouble I could into with my base if they start thinking I’m not dumb like they are,” Trump shouted at no one in particular while he shat and did Executive Time this morning. “I’m dumb! Everyone knows I’m dumb! They elected me because I make them feel good about how dumb they are. I’m one of them! I love the poorly educated!”
Trump was angry, sources say, because Speaker Pelosi, in a tweet that has since been deleted, shared a video of Trump made in the 1990’s in which Trump said he was “very pro-choice.” Trump spoke much more eloquently than he does now, and that, according to his staff, made him suspicious. Trump demanded to know how Pelosi made him sound so smart.
“By what technological wizardry is this happening? How did she manage to get that me in the moving picture box to sound so unlike me,” Trump asked, again to no one in particular because he was alone on the toilet. The only reason people could hear him is that he was shouting so loudly.
Reportedly, Mr. Trump was convinced that Pelosi tweeted her video in retaliation for Trump tweeting one of her. In the video, which has been verified as being heavily doctored, Pelosi appeared to be slurring her speech. As of the time of publication, the fake video was still up on President Trump’s official Twitter feed.
The president and Ms. Pelosi have been locked in one of the most vicious public spats between the legislative and executive branches since the Nixon era. At stake are several congressional investigations underway, which Trump has repeatedly blasted. The president claims that Democrats are simply trying to relitigate the Mueller probe and get a different result, while Democrats point out that despite Attorney General Barr’s insistence to the contrary, the report itself doesn’t exonerate Trump, but instead leaves much of the conclusions to be drawn about multiple instances of probable obstruction of justice. Trump has made it clear he intends to have his administration stymie and stonewall the Democrats as much as possible, though he’s already lost a couple of preliminary hearings in federal court that upheld demands for his financial records.
“Nancy has no right to do that to me! Frankly, I’m a little blown away she was able to make me sound even a tiny bit smart,” Trump said, “because I am super-duper dumb. I never had to be smart. Daddy had so much money it was bailing me out of my bad business decisions in the 1980’s! I am stupid! So that’s how I know that this video she posted is fake!”
When Sarah Huckabee Sanders came into the White House and heard her boss screeching from the bathroom, she went in and checked on him. Huckabee Sanders tried to calm Trump down and tell him the video was old. However, Trump didn’t believe her.
“Sarah! I’ve been dumb as a bag of hammers my whole entire life. There simply cannot be an authentic video of me out there that makes me seem intelligent,” Trump said, “because I’ve never been intelligent. Even when I call myself a stable genius, it’s a big inside joke with me and my dopey supporters, because we all know being smart and educated is for elitist liberal globalist cucks, Sarah!”
Speaker Pelosi’s office could not be reached for comment.