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Sunday, February 5, 2023

Trump Takes Out Full Page Ad in NYT Demanding Death Penalty for 11-Year-Old Arrested for Not Pledging Allegiance

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last week at Lawton Chiles Middle Academy in Lakeland, Florida, a sixth grader was arrested at school when they refused to say the pledge of allegiance and, according to school officials, became too disruptive. The issue arose when a substitute teacher, unaware that school policy does not force students to say the pledge, attempted to do just that with the student in question.

The substitute teacher said in written statement that when she asked the student, who is black, to say the pledge, he “answered that he won’t because the flag of the country is racist. He then started to explain why the national anthem was offensive to black people.” 

The name of the student has been withheld from reporting because they are still a minor, and the investigation is ongoing. It has been reported that the student is African-American. However, not having many more details about the student didn’t stop the most powerful man in the world from weighing in. President Donald Trump took the unusual step of taking out a full page ad in The New York Times, and the ad made it very clear what Trump wants to see happen to the Lakeland sixth grader.

“BRING BACK THE DEATH PENALTY FOR SIXTH GRADERS! BRING BACK OUR POLICE TO ARREST 11 YEAR OLDS FOR EXERCISING THEIR FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHTS,” the ad reads in big, bold, all-caps letters at the top. “No one is above the law except a Republican president installed by the Kremlin, it’s right there in the Constitution.”

Contained within the ad is a letter personally written by the president himself. In roughly six paragraphs, President Trump makes the case for why not pledging allegiance is a “crime against this nation worse than even Crooked H or Andrew McCabe or the sixteen trillion Angry Democratic Illegal Mexicans on Conflicted Bob Mueller’s team could commit.” Trump argues that even though the First Amendment has historically given everyone the chance to not say the pledge, and even though there are specific religions that prohibit their congregants from pledging allegiance, that all changed the moment he took office.

MORE: Trump Warns Dems He ‘Won’t Wait Two Full Years To Address The Next Made-Up National Emergency’

“When I raised my GIANT right hand and swore an oath to be your favorite president and emperor-God-king, it was made very clear that what I say goes, and we’re doing stuff differently now,” Trump’s ad states. “You don’t believe me? Ask Mitch McConnell. If there was going to be someone to stand up to him from within my own party, it’s Mitch. But all that turtle-looking douche nugget does is give me permission to be a piece of shit the likes of which would get me impeached if I were Previous Black President.”

Trump insisted in his ad that if “we don’t start sending a message to these uppity urbans,” they’re going to “start getting the distinct idea that they’re allowed to have the same freedoms and liberties that white boys and girls enjoy.” Mr. Trump has rallied his base against NFL players who kneel during the national anthem in the past. Even though expressions of protest like these have been specifically held up time and time again in the courts, Trump has insisted that NFL owners take a hard line stance, and terminate players who do not show enough respect for the flag and anthem.

“Stephen Miller told me the other day,” Trump once was heard in the Oval Office, “that the tanks and planes in our military literally run on nationalism, and if we don’t worship the flag, their engines don’t run!”

President Trump has given the State of Florida a week to comply with his demands and put the sixth grader to death, or he will have to “declare another fake emergency” to take care of the situation instead.

This is a developing story.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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