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Tuesday, February 7, 2023

Trump Promises to Work With President of Texas to Help Survivors of Church Shooting

AIR FORCE ONE — High above the Pacific Ocean, President Donald J. Trump’s job duties for the day are not quite over.

It’s been a whirlwind trip to Asia so far, but this past Sunday, yet another deadly mass shooting took place back home, this time at a tiny church in Texas. Trump has publicly tweeted condolences, and even told an American reporter at a press conference in South Korea that he didn’t support stricter gun laws because in the case of the Texas school shooting, an armed citizen interrupted the attack, and in Trump’s estimation the death toll would have been “hundreds” more had that citizen not had a gun. But now, it was time for Trump to pick up the phone and make a call to the mainland he’d been looking forward to since the news came to him about the shooting.

“Sarah, put down that 40-ounce Big Gulp cup of gravy you’re chugging and come help me make a phone call would you,” Trump asked his press secretary. Huckabee did as she was told, put down the plastic cup that was overflowing with white sausage gravy she was washing down her Kentucky Fried Chicken with, and came to the president’s side. She asked him who he wants to call.

Trump told Huckabee he wished to call the President of Texas.

“Who, sir? The President of where,” Huckabee asked.

“Did I stutter, Huckleberry? I said get me the President of Texas on the horn, now, please,” Trump demanded.

To calm his nerves, Huckabee handed Trump one of the thigh pieces from her bucket of KFC. Trump began devouring it while Huckabee stormed around Air Force One looking for a long piece of twine and two plastic cups, which she found in the plane’s galley.

“I’ll have the president of Texas on the phone with you shortly sir,” Huckabee said. She poked holes in the bottoms of each cup, then fed the string through each hole and tied knots large enough so that the string wouldn’t slip through.

Huckabee handed one cup to President Trump, then walked around the plane, laying the string down on the floor as she did. Huckabee looped back around Trump when he was busy Tweeting about Crooked Hillary being crookedly crooked, and came up behind her boss with the second cup, which she handed to him, telling the president to put one cup up to his ear, and talk into the other one, and he’d be able to hear the President of Texas.

“Great work, Hackysack,” Trump said, pressing one cup to his ear as he bellowed into the other, “HELLO?! HELLO?! WHO IS THIS? STOP FUCKING SHOUTING AT ME, I CAN HEAR YOU JUST FINE!”

Trump turned to Huckabee and gave her a “What gives?” look. Huckabee motioned for Trump to try again.

“Hello? We already did the hello thing! Who am I talking to? The president! That’s great! I’m the president too,” Trump yelled into the cup, “So am I. So why did you call me? I didn’t call you. You called me. Bullshit, you called me. Huh? What? Come again? I said I’m the president and I want to help. No, I’m the president and I want to help. Okay, well we’re both presidents. Yup. Okay, so let’s help each other. Okay. Sounds good. Help each other with what? How about the survivors of that shooting thingy? Okay, great. Yup, great. Okay, love you. Love you more! Love you most!”

Huckabee Sanders was seen later that day spiking her gravy Big Gulp with a gallon of Jack Daniel’s whiskey and muttering to herself.

This story is developing.

More satire to enjoy:

NRA Spokesman Says America Needs Armed Clergy in Every Church

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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