WASHINGTON D.C. — The federal government is in the middle of its first shutdown during a time in which one party holds control of all three branches ever. Exactly a year to the day after he was sworn into office, President Donald Trump watched as Congress couldn’t get a last minute funding deal together and the government was forced to shut down. His administration is busy in media interviews blaming Senator Chuck Schumer (D) and the rest of the Democrats, but within the White House, efforts have been made to give the appearance that despite the shutdown, Trump is is working hard.
Yesterday, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders managed to get her gravy smothered fingers around her smart phone long enough to tweet a photo of Trump, in a white “Make America Great Again” hat, appearing to talk to a room full of white people about things allegedly presidential. No audio or video has been released to verify what exactly was being worked on when the photo was taken, though some have speculated this was a “hoods optional” klan meeting.
President Trump hard at work today to end the Democrat shutdown, reopen our government, and fund our great military pic.twitter.com/GzUi3tAPGw
— Sarah Sanders (@PressSec) January 21, 2018
Other photos were released showing Trump sitting at the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office, a phone in his hand. Without any corroborating video, however, it’s largely assumed he was on the phone with KFC or McDonald’s, asking if they can deliver a bucket of Big Macs or some other such Trumpian food order. However, that is still just speculation at this point.
Despite believing that the photos made a good case to the American people that Trump is hard at working making it look like he’s working hard, sources within the White House are saying this morning the president begged and pleaded with his staff to let him relax or even head to the golf course, instead of another day of staged photos, purporting to show him actually working.
“IVANKA! Other sexy woman I sleep with,” Trump was heard bellowing in the president’s residence for his daughter or wife, “come here and tell John Kelly I don’t have to pretend to work if I don’t want it.”
Within moments, reportedly Melania Trump and the First Lady arrived to find Chief of Staff John Kelly trying to shepherd a pair of pants onto Trump’s super-duper athletic legs. Trump had a fried chicken drumstick in one hand and a Diet Coke in the other. He refused to put the pants on that Kelly was offering, and Kelly looked to the woman for help, making his eyes wide and trying to communicate without words that they needed to keep the appearances of Trump working up as long as possible.
“Daddy, now, don’t you think we can just take a couple of quick pictures toady,” Ivanka asked, leaning over her father just enough so that her decolletage could be seen. “C’mon, Big Daddy, do it for me, will you?”
Trump eyed his daughter’s heaving bosoms under her shirt. He became woozy, unable to focus for a minute. Trump sat down on the bed, gnawing at the chicken bone and thinking.
“C’mon now Daddy, you know you can do it. Do it for me, Daddy. Do it for meeeeeeeeeeeeeee,” Ivanka said in a sing-songy voice.
The president’s wife, rolling her eyes and muttering something under her breath about “not wanting to even be there in the first place,” left the room. After several more minutes of cajoling, stroking, and cooing, Ivanka convinced her father to put on a shirt, jacket, and tie, and they’d shoot the pictures only from the waist up, so that he could stay in his underwear. Trump acquiesced.
“Okay, my sweet little princess,” Trump said to his daughter. “I’m really tired. I haven’t pretended to work this hard since the second season of The Apprentice. But you know I can’t resist your charms, Ivanka. You know I’ve never been able to say no to you. Especially not dressed in little numbers like that.”
A Secret Service agent visibly held back vomiting and swallowed hard.
“Good Daddy! That’s a very…very…VERY good Daddy,” Ivanka said, ushering the president downstairs and into the Oval Office, where several more photos of the president pretending to talk on the phone and to various staffers were taken.
This story is developing.