WASHINGTON, D.C. — Days ago, Axios reported that President Donald Trump spends the majority of his public schedule in what is referred to as “executive time.”
Since the report, Trump has received criticism for what appears to be his historic level of disengagement with the job of being president. While every president has handled his duties in his own way, there is no recorded instance of a president spending anywhere near as much time sitting in the residence, watching TV. His press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, has tried to spin the executive time as something that allows Trump to have a more flexible and “creative environment” to work in.
This morning, however, Trump seemed to acknowledge at least partially that at least some people in the country might take offense to his spending so much time apparently not really working. In attempt to assuage concerns over his executive time, Trump reminded Americans that he’s not taking his presidential salary. President Trump also indicated that Americans shouldn’t worry about all the costs associated with Trump effectively puttering around the White House shouting, binge watching cable news, and eating fast food.
“Look, if it’s all the extra costs of me being president — the security, the food, the adult films starting Eastern European Piss Whores,” Trump told reporters in the Oval Office, “I can assure the American people it’s not costing them anything. Because Mexico is going to pay for my executive time, okay? Man, speaking of Mexico, did you hear about those, like, sixteen trillion illegal Mexican-like caravan people coming up? That sounds dangerous! I hope someone is doing something about those 24.5 trillion illegal Mexicans in the caravan! Oh wait! I am! Anyway, what were you saying?”
For twenty or thirty seconds, Trump sat behind the Resolute Desk, scratching his chin and fondling an Extra-Tasty Crispy chicken breast from KFC. Dipping the chicken in a cauldron of nacho cheese sauce he keeps handy, Trump racked his brain for what he had been talking about. Suddenly, he farted, and just enough space was made in his brain matter for him to have a thought. He snapped his tiny fingers.
“Ah! Right! My execution time,” Trump said with a grin. “Here’s the thing about that. I’m gonna do it. And you’re not gonna stop me. Because I’m already, like, pretty hardcore president guys. I mean, you could try to stop me, but what are you gonna do? Vote me out? You cucks think presidents are elected? No way! Not on my watch, pal!”
Trump farted again.
“Okay, get out of my White House now, I have to take off my pants and watch old re-runs of The Apprentice,” Trump blurted. “Just the Ivanka parts.”
A representative from Mexico issued a brief statement reaffirming their country’s promise to “never, ever, ever, ever pay a stupid goddamn dime” toward the border wall or Trump’s executive time.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.