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Saturday, June 3, 2023

Trump Set To Tap Putin As New Special Prosecutor In Russia Investigation

AIR FORCE ONE — Time to relax after two days of work covering the APEC summit in Vietnam was interrupted for the media aboard Air Force One today as the jet made its way from the hosts of this year’s APEC to the next stop on President Donald J. Trump’s tour of Asia, the Philippines.

Reports from journalists aboard the plane say that at around 11pm local time, just as many of them were hoping to get a coupe of hours sleep, they were awoken by a representative of the Trump administration who is travelling with the President on his Asian tour, who asked them to make their way to the President’s onboard office for a special announcement.

“Come on in everybody, apart from you CNN — You’re fake news,” the President is reported to have said as he stood by the door to the office in a white, blue and red striped dressing gown.

“Now that you’re all here,” the president continued, “I, Donald J. Trump, want to make an announcement. I, Donald J. Trump, you may of heard of me, a lot of people have, I, Donald J. Trump am popular, was just about to go to bed when I, Donald J. Trump decided to spend time thinking about the fake and brutal character assassinating investigation of the investigation being carried out by loser Robert Mueller.”

Trump pressed on.

“Today, as we all know,” Trump said, “we have found out that Russia definitely did not have any interference in the election where I, Donald J. Trump beat crooked Hillary just because I, Donald J. Trump happened to get just a few more votes in states where she was expected to easily win.”

President Trump attempted to qualify and dissect his theory to those on Air Force One.

“How do we know that Russia did not have any interference? Mr. Russia, a great man called Vladimir Putin, who is Russia’s own President of the United States, did you know that? But this good guy, great guy, said that Russia did not have any involvement, and as we all know, he wouldn’t lie to me, Donald J. Trump,” the president explained.

“It is therefore for this reason, that I, Donald J. Trump, am firing special prosecutor Robert Mueller with immediate affect and announcing his replacement to be Vladimir Putin, because as we all know, Mueller is a loser with no connection to Russia and therefore will not know anything about what they did, whereas Putin is an expert in Russia,” Trump proclaimed, adding, “It just makes sense.”

After getting over an initial moment of shock, our political correspondent, who up until this point had been undercover as a Brietbart representative, with shaved hair, beige trousers that are clearly too short, and a white polo shirt, in order to get a place on the tour, asked the President, “Mr. President, has anyone from Russia pressured you into making this clearly ludicrous decision?”

The President replied, “That is a fake idea. I expected better for you, Mr. Steve Bannon in disguise. This decision was made by me, and only me. The only person I consulted with was the teddy bear that I was given as a present by a Russian dignitary earlier today, who said it was a good idea. You won’t believe this by the way, but let me tell you, this teddy bear, it’s so high tech that it  has an aerial that can tune into radio stations wherever it goes.”

President Putin was not available for comment.

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