WASHINGTON, D.C. — For whatever reason, President Barack Obama did not spend much time during the midterm election seasons campaigning for people in his party. The current occupant of the White House, however, does things differently.
President Trump has spent considerable time since his inauguration touring states — mostly just the ones that carried him to victory in 2016 — and giving long-winded rally speeches. In these speeches, Trump has been known to bash the media, Democrats, and anyone who has raised his hackles that day. Trump’s rallies also serve as hour-long campaign speeches, where the president defends his administration’s track record, and asks his base to protect their work by electing Republicans in the fall midterms. While some have worried the rallies — which have started to happen multiple times in a week — might not leave Trump with much time to run the country, and he addressed those exact concerns from the Oval Office this morning.
“Look, to be honest, I was just as worried as you all when we started scheduling these book burnings,” Trump told reporters. “I told my people that I was worried about having enough bandwidth to focus on what the country needs most.”
Trump paused, took a gulp from a bucket of Diet Coke next to the Resolute Desk that he had a special drinking tube attached to. Aides replenish the Diet Coke every 30 minutes.
“And I think, as your president, that I know very well what the country needs most, so that’s why I made a very tough decision this morning but one that I, and you, will think is the bigly right one,” Trump said.
Another pause, and another big slurp from the Diet Coke bucket.
“What the country needs is me sucking my own TOTALLY NORMAL LOOKING, SIZED, AND SHAPED PENIS for an hour straight,” Trump said. “That’s what the country needs. That’s what the people whose wages are stagnated need. That’s what the people who need healthcare are looking to me to do — suck my own TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY AMAZING PENIS IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE COUNTRY.”
Trump pushed a button on the desk. Moments later, three buckets of KFC chicken were hand delivered by Ivanka in a French maid’s outfit. Trump smacked his daughter’s behind and thanked her.
“So that’s why I’m going to take my tremendous brain and focus it on my rallies,” Trump said. “It’s time to ease up on running the country for a little bit so that I can campaign harder. You know, for America…to see how normal my dong is.”
“Did you write down the part about my normal dong, everyone? Good, bye,” Trump waved the press out of the room.
This story is developing.
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.