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Tuesday, October 3, 2023

Trump Reassures First Lady Coronavirus Is Not Sexually Transmitted

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This afternoon, the president held a press event in the White House, touting his administration’s plan to get re-open the American economy. For much of the last two months, massive swaths of America’s economic engine have been forced to sit idle in order to flatten the curve of new COVID-19 infections. With his First Lady Ivanka by his side, President Trump discussed ongoing efforts to replenish the money set aside in the Paycheck Protection Act.

Once the media event was over, President and First Lady Trump walked out of the room, and that’s when sources say that the two had a candid and frank discussion about the coronavirus. Apparently, Mrs. Trump has been worried about asymptomatic or presymptomatic cases. Specifically, Ivanka has been wondering whether or not it’s possible for COVID-19 to be transmitted sexually.

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“No, Ivanka baby, no! They assure me that it’s not a sex disease,” President Trump was overheard telling his First Lady. “I told those medical nerds if they give me bad info, they’re fired! And I have the power to send them to Gitmo, Ivanka baby! Don’t you worry!”

Just hearing the president’s reassuring words was apparently enough to calm Ivanka back down.

“Thank you Presi-Daddy! I was just really nervous about it,” Ivanka told the president. “Mike Pence has been really talking a lot about sinners and sin and how God punishes people for their sins with diseases, you know, because he loves them so much he knows the only way to make them better people is to hurt them. So I wanted to just make sure there’s no way this coronavirus thingy is, like, sexually transmitted or whatever.”

The president patted Ivanka on her ass. Then, he stroked her hair. Gently, he took his First Lady’s head in his hands, and brought her in close. She’d later tell her husband she could feel the president’s “toadstool tip” digging into outer thigh. Or a least she thought that’s what it was; it could have been a gnat coming to rest on her thigh as well; she wasn’t really sure.

“Ivanka, my baby, my BEAUTIFUL EEE-VON-KA,” the president said, his lips just inches from hers, “I promise you, as God as my witness, I will never let you get sick. You’ll never even get old. At least, you better not get old. Number Three just turned fifty, and that means it’s time to trade her in for two 25 year olds, if you know what I mean.”

With his mouth just a mere, scant few millimeters from Ivanka’s, Trump closed his eyes. He puckered his lips. Then, he farted. Very loudly. So loudly in fact that researchers at the California Seismology Institute registered a 4.2 magnitude earthquake from across the country.

“You didn’t hear that,” Trump said.

A blank stare came to Ivanka’s face.

“I didn’t hear that,” she said.

“You also don’t smell any farts,” the president continued.

Ivanka hesitated for just a moment. Didn’t she smell something? She thought she could. President Trump pulled a wad of cash out of his pocket, and waved it under Ivanka’s face.

“YOU DO NOT SMELL ANY FARTS, EE-VON-KA,” Trump repeated, with the cash fanned out in front of his First Lady. “Right?”

Without hesitation, Ivanka answered, but without much inflection in her voice.

“Yes, I do not smell any farts,” Ivanka said.

Then, the president pulled Ivanka in and planted a giant, wet, tongue-filled kiss on her. The excitement was too much for his colon, and some more farting took place. After a few lingering moments, the president and First Lady separated, and they were seen going in different directions by the time of publication.

MORE: Trump Supporter’s Veins Feel Clean and COVID-Free Right Before He Dies

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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