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Monday, June 5, 2023

President Promises Americans ‘The Trump Steak of Coronavirus Vaccines’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump told the American people today that they can “count on” him to deliver a successful COVID-19 vaccine based on his “long and bigly track record of winning and success.”

Speaking on the White House lawn, President Trump spoke about the coronavirus task force, and whether or not rumors that he’ll be disbanding it soon so that he can focus daily press briefings on re-opening the economy. It’s no big secret on the Hill how vital the president sees the country’s economic to his re-election efforts. This morning, President Trump tweeted about the rumors that he was going to be ending or at least drastically changing the make-up of the task force.

“The American people know by now, I am sure, that I am a boner-fired winner. I have my boner-fireds and everything,” Trump boasted. “Certified, big-brained, stable genius winner. But even if they haven’t been paying attention to all my many, many, many bigly successes as president, they know me from my years prior to serving as your greatest president. I have a proof-en, long and bigly track record of winning and success.”

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President Trump then assured the public that his administration would deliver a COVID-19 vaccine as quickly as they could, and that it would be the “best, most effective vaccine ever.” Trump even hinted that the vaccine would be “so powerful and perfect” it might actually protect people from more than just the coronavirus. The president couldn’t give any firm timelines for when to expect the vaccine, but only that when it was released to the public, people would “know right away how great it is” by its branding.

“Trump Vax will be great! Just great, I tell you. In fact, I don’t want to be too bold, but then again, what the hell why not? I think, I truly thing,” Trump said, “that this will be the Trump Steak of coronavirus vaccines!”

Trump’s comparisons didn’t end with his steaks, either.

“I tell you what, this Trump Vax will be the most prestigious, high-class vaccine you’ve ever gotten,” Trump bragged. “We’re talking the Trump University of vaccines, which ironically is where the research for the vaccine is being conducted, at the medical school my son Eric — you know, the even dumber one — is the dean of admissions for. But I’m telling you guys, this vaccine is gonna blow your minds how great it is! The Trump Taj Mahal of vaccines!”

As we reported earlier, Trump’s statement on a vaccine for COVID-19 come on the heels of the CDC announcing it was looking into whether his rage-tweets about Michael Flynn’s legal troubles help to fight the spread of the coronavirus.

“This morning, the CDC began clinical trials on the effectiveness of angry, spastic, verbal diarrhea-laden rage tweets about confessed, criminal traitors on the novel coronavirus,” CDC Junior Deputy Head of Research Dr. Sally Bethany told reporters. “We would have never, ever believed it was possible to treat a real, deadly disease with the unctuous ramblings of an obnoxious, spoiled, sweaty, stupid moron, but here we are. And, I guess, you never know.” (AltFacts)

The president assured everyone that he has his “top science nerds and doctors” working on the vaccine.

“We’re talking Dr. David Avocado Wolfe, Dr. Oz, and Dr. Phil, people,” Trump shouted. “That’s a fuckin’ Dream Team of top science nerds and doctors if I ever heard of one! Let’s do this, America! Let’s beat this virus, and then elect me to another sixteen terms! MAGA!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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