HOBART, ARKANSAS — On the most recent episode of popular right-wing podcast and YouTube channel Biased But In a Non-Biased But Still Really Slanted Way, Clem O’Connell, the show’s host, told fans that he was recovering from groin injuries he sustained during his honeymoon. O’Connell said that just a few days prior he had been in the recovery room of his local hospital, and that he was “extremely grateful” to the medical team that saved his life and a “decent portion of [his] penis.”
“Fam, let me make time in the show right now to do a couple of big, big announcements,” Clem said, “and the first one is that I’m married y’all! I finally did it! After years of romance, we finally took the plunge, and I married my Bushmaster fam!”
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Citing the Supreme Court ruling on gay marriage in 2015, Clem says he “took advantage of the slippery slope of societal decline” that decision sparked, and petitioned his state to be allowed a marriage license for himself and his Bushmaster AR-15 semiautomatic rifle.
“I mean, we warned libtards allowing gay marriage would lead to people marrying their dogs,” Clem said, “but I have to admit I didn’t see this one particular advantage until that Supreme Court case.”
Mr. O’Connell told his podcast audience that he also had a confession to make about his romance with the rifle he now calls his spouse.
“We was definitely living in sin, I have to admit,” Clem said, “and I simply lost count of all the times I fucked that gun. So that was also part of my thinking. I just couldn’t stomach the thought of fooling around like that and accidentally getting my AR-15 pregnant out of wedlock!”
Things were going fine for the newlyweds until their honeymoon in a Bass Pro Shop just a few miles outside Clem’s hometown. O’Connell says he and his AR-15 were walking up and down the aisles when the “mood for romance kicked in.”
“My Viagra also had kicked in,” Clem said, “so that just added boner fuel the erection fire building in my loin-ular regions.”
Clem and his AR-15 ducked away into the men’s bathroom. O’Connell quickly found an unoccupied stall and went in. One thing he noticed right away was that nearly all the toilet stalls were already taken and that it sounded like a bunch of men were “taking the gnarliest, grunting shits of their lives.”
“Just tons of gasping and moaning and swearing and grunting,” Clem said, “It sounded like everyone was taking the gnarliest, grunting shits of their lives. Then again, I’ve never heard someone shout ‘I’m cumming so fucking hard right now, baby!’ while they shit, unless it’s a German porn I happen to be watching. But anyway, what was I saying?”
With the toilet stall door closed tightly behind him, Clem said he started envisioning the day the Second Amendment was written. He could feel his pants tightening, so he started also thinking about all the guns ever made. He was “super hard” now. Then, finally, he took one last look, deep down the barrel of his AR-15.
He was ready.
“So I started fucking the living shit out of that gun,” Clem said, “and then next thing I know…I wake up in the hospital recovery room, with what’s left of my dick bandaged up. I guess I had forgotten to clear the last round from when I hit the range a day before, and well…let’s just say you can call me Ken now, if you want.”
He has no regrets, Clem said, because “anything that involves a gun is glorious, holy, and patriotic as hell.”
“How many people do you know who would blow their own cock off to prove how much they love the Second Amendment,” Clem asked rhetorically, “and then you’ll know why I’m not in any way ashamed of this. I bet James Madison on Tommy Jefferson would slap me on the back and say ‘Well done, Clem!’ when they found out words they wrote allowed me to lube up my dick and ram into my gun until I accidentally pulled the trigger and blew my dick off. I consider my dick a sacrifice to the most sacred words ever written, ‘SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED.’ GOD BLESS THESE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!”