HOBART, ARKANSAS — Clem O’Connell bills himself as “the biggest Second Amendment defender west of the Ozarks.” From his double-wide trailer, Clem hosts “Gun Gabbers,” a podcast that has risen to semi-prominence among some on the right. This morning, Clem told his audience that he was inspired by a story he saw about people taking their guns to church to be blessed and exchanging vows while holding their AR-15s, and he decided to “do one bigger than that.”
“Fam, I’m packing up my pipe bombs and my shoulder-fired RPG and we’re headed to the Vatican y’all,” Clem said proudly, pointing out a corner in the room where he had neatly laid out a couple of pipe bombs and a grenade launcher. “I’m gonna have the Pope bless the shit outta them!”
O’Connell says that he was tempted to bring his multiple firearms to Pope Francis to have them blessed, but decided that having them reside in “the most freedomtastic and liberty-rific country” is good enough. Instead, he decided to have his bombs and grenade launcher blessed because “they don’t get specifical mentionings in the Constal-toochin.”
“Now, I ain’t no COMMUNITY ORGANIZER — er I mean, CONSTELLATIONAL SCHOLAR,” Clem said, “but I know that guns are mentioned by name in the Constitution for a reason. So I figured they prolly have all the blessings they need, since our one, true, Aryan, American God has already ordained them. We know that, fam, remember, because our motto is ‘In God We Trust,’ and God wouldn’t let us trademark that unless he was on our side, you see.”
NRA Exec Just Straight Up Doesn’t Give A Fuck About Your Dead Kids, America
After a 30 minute tangential aside about his evidence that God is a “white working class male Baby Boomer former coal miner,” Clem got back to discussing his plan to have his weapons blessed by the Pope.
“I’m really fired up about this, fam, even though I’m not a Catholic and sure as hell wouldn’t be one with this current commie pope they have in place,” Clem said. “But the way I figure it, until there’s an American pope, this socialist pope will have do in this instance. I ain’t happy about it, but any port in a storm, as they say.”
Mr. O’Connell expects Pope Francis bless his weaponry right away, and he doesn’t think it’s “un-Christian at all.”
“Sure, Jesus said to turn the other cheek, but he didn’t say you couldn’t stash a piece off to the side so you could grab it while your cheek is turned, turn back around, put that gun in the asshole’s face who just slapped you, and then blow them away,” Clem said. “The Bible literally doesn’t say Jesus said that, so clearly that means God is as big a defender of the Second Amendment as anyone.”
The Vatican was not reached for comment.
Satire can also be found on The Pastiche Post and The Political Garbage Chute.
Gun Rights Activist: President Trump’s The ‘Right Shade Of Gun Grabber’