BLACK COAST, OHIO — Susan Wifflesmith is a 52 year old stay at home mom. She says she doesn’t consider herself very political, but she does consider herself a lifelong, steadfast conservative Republican. In last year’s presidential election, Susan had no issues voting for Donald Trump, even after the now infamous Access Hollywood tapes surfaced, and Trump was outed as someone who willingly and gleefully takes advantage of women, forces himself on some of them, and does so all under the guise of having money and power enough to do it.
“Oh sure, it was really tough hearing that locker room talk,” Wifflesmith told us this week, “but every time I’d go to think about voting for someone else, I kept thinking, her emails. So yeah, I decided that even though he looks nothing like any candidate that we Republicans have insisted the country needs to put in charge for the last several decades, I was going to do what Washington and Jefferson would have been so proud of me for doing, and I put party before country.”
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Wifflesmith remembers that during the Monica Lewinsky scandal in President Bill Clinton’s tenure, she was “appalled and sickened” by his sexual dalliances. Susan says she told her kids at the time that they should never vote for such a “vile, repulsive, amoral scumbag” as Clinton. Then, twenty years later, she told her daughter that if Trump were to grab her by the vagina, she should consider it a “personal compliment.”
“Clinton was such a slime bucket,” Susan said, “that I am in no way shocked that Harvey Weinstein, the Hollywood libtard sexual deviant, was such a big donor to his campaign. Scum bags of a feather, flock together and all that jazz.”
The story of Mr. Weinstein’s plunging fall from grace is something that Susan says she was not at all surprised about. She says she only watches movies that have Kirk Cameron and Anthony Sabato Junior in them, so Susan only sees one or two movies a decade. But she says she doesn’t miss them because “Hollywood is full of the kinds of creeps like Weinstein.”
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“It’s one thing to be a disgusting, power mad, misogynistic, proto rapist,” Susan said, “but at least be presidential about it. Say what you will about Trump, but he was very presidential in how he grabbed those pussies.”
Ultimately, Susan can admit that there are many similarities to Weinstein’s reported behavior and Mr. Trump’s. However, Wifflesmith sees one, massive, glaring difference.
“Call me crazy,” Susan told us, “But Harvey Weinstein, to me, isn’t the kind of sexual predator you can trust with your vote, but Donald Trump is. Of course, I wouldn’t trust Trump alone with my daughter…or his daughter. So I guess this is kind of a Pyrrhic victory for me, isn’t it? Man, I really thought winning the presidency wouldn’t leave such a bitter, gross, taste in my mouth. Oh well, WE GOT A SUPREME COURT SEAT, SO THAT’S PRETTY MUCH ALL I CARE ABOUT.”
This satire first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.