COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — If there is one thing that represents a tyrannical government, it’s being politely asked to wear a mask in public to help stop the asymptomatic spread of a deadly disease. At least that’s according to right-wing provocateur and singer/songwriter Jethro Bohiggins.
In Jethro’s small Tennessee town, the local city council has voted to reopen its non-essential businesses, which he says is the “most gloriously pro-capitalism move” ever made by the council. However, Jethro says that when the council conditioned businesses reopening on them requiring employees and patrons to wear face coverings, he says they “became tyrants and dictators.” America is founded on the principle of “letting everyone do whatever they want, whenever they want, without regard to the fellow man,” Jethro argued on a recent recording of his podcast, and he will not be wearing a mask, he said.
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“It’s my right to act recklessly and endanger the lives of others, fam,” Jethro howled, “and I will not be acting so-called responsibly any time soon.”
Bohiggins complained that when he’s “presented with so-called data or common sense,” he’s still not convinced that he has any “duty or responsibility” to exercise his freedoms with care for others. Jethro railed against an aquaintence
“Oh, I’m acting like a toddler just because I’m ignoring good data, common sense, and reality? WHATEVER, LIBARDS!”
Jethro calls into question “anyone’s so-called expertise” just because they “got indoctrinated at government-funded libtard academies they call college.”
“I’m supposed to believe things make me and those around me safer just because someone with more training and education on a topic tells me they will,” Jethro asked incredulously, “Fake news!”
However, it’s not just masks that Jethro says he’ll forego simply because a governmental agency told him he should consider using them.
“Fuck seat belts! It’s my right to fly through the windshield of my truck, which could happen if it wasn’t parked on my lawn so that my cousin can stay there while she works out her divorce,” Bohiggins said. “Ain’t no reason why we can’t stay amicable even after we split up, fam. The Constitution don’t give no government the right to tell me what I should do for my safety and the safety of literally everyone around me, fam!”
Jethro will never use any kind of prophylactic during sexual intercourse for the same reasons, he said.
“What, is some jackbooted thug gonna break into my double-wide while my sister and I are watching porn together,” Jethro asked hypothetically, “put a gun to my head, and force me to put a condom on my dick before I get busy with her? HELL NO. SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED AND SHALL NOT BE FORCED TO WEAR A JIMMY, FAM! It’s not like any of these things are as good at keeping you safe as a gun is!”
As he dropped his gun while he finished draining a beer, Jethro burped and proclaimed that Americans need to “quit letting the government scare” them. He said that “only idiots” are “convinced by statistics, facts, and science,” and that he’ll punch anyone who asks him why he’s not wearing a mask “square in their libtard socialist commie cuck dicks.” Bohiggins was fighting back tears.
“Quit letting the government scare you into being concerned about your health and well-being,” Jethro yelled, “you idiot sheeple!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.